Here are Mac’s ‘predictions’ as sports return. Spoiler: The Rangers are out by July 31.
July is upon us, which means life is that much closer to returning to how it was BC, when we were all nice to each other on social media and no one fought over political views.
And we took for granted that live sports were on what was a essentially a 24-hour loop.
Now that the weather is warm, and after months of revenue-less quarantining, team sports are making a comeback despite statistical, and anecdotal, evidence that says such a decision is premature.
Relying on sabermetrics, interviews with researchers from the Blowhard Institute of OverEducated Tenured Professors, and polling of dogs, I have built a predictive model that will tell us exactly how July will go.
Plan your calendars accordingly:
July 2: Seven NBA starters who tested positive for COVID-19 lobby to join their teams for the re-start in the Orlando bubble. They all say, “Please, I don’t want to spend more time my wife and kids.”
July 3: During the Texas Rangers’ first full workouts at Globe Life Field, outfielder Joey Gallo hits a 723-foot home run to center field, and second baseman Rougned Odor strikes out in three plate appearances … during batting practice.
July 3: The online streaming service Disney+ implodes 10 minutes after it debuts Hamilton.
July 4: Meanwhile, an explosion of sorts takes place 10 minutes after Nathan’s annual hot dog eating contest.
July 5: In their first intra-squad scrimmage, the Dallas Mavericks forward Luka Doncic is ejected after arguing over foul calls.
July 7: Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby says that as long as one student is on campus, football will be played in the fall. Just in case, he announces Oklahoma as the winner of the 2020 Big 12 title game.
July 9: Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announces “Phase 6” of re-opening, which includes hiring Iron Man, Black Widow and other Avengers to defeat the coronavirus. Captain Marvel is not returning calls.
July 10: NHL training camps open, and Dallas Stars goalie Ben Bishop tells his teammates, “Now you’ll see how much fun it is to play an NHL game wearing a mask.”
July 12: As more NFL teams give their season ticket holders the option of opting out of their 2020 commitment while still retaining their priority, the Dallas Cowboys offer their season ticket holders the chance to pay an additional $10,000 in exchange for nothing.
July 14: With the deadline one day away to give the Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott a long-term deal, or he plays the season under the franchise tag, Cowboys vice president Stephen Jones says the sides are too far apart to come to an agreement.
July 15: Cowboys owner Jerry Jones personally gives Dak an eight-year, $3.2 billion contract that includes a $984 million signing bonus, preventing the team from even signing a ball boy under the salary cap through the 2024 season.
July 19: Before the PGA Tour Memorial Tournament in Dublin, Ohio, more than half of the field withdraws after testing positive for COVID-19. Jack Nicklaus comes out retirement to play in his own tournament, wins by three strokes and Tweets, “Hey Tiger, whoosya daddy?”
July 19: Under Phase 11 guidelines, the NASCAR race at Texas Motor Speedway sells tickets to the event that is re-named, “The Payment Paycheck Protection Mask-less 400.”
July 21: Seizing the momentum from the past few months, college football players from the five major conferences form a coalition. While they ask for cash payments, they settle for five, 30-minute video game breaks during practice during the week.
July 22: The Texas University Interscholastic League announces football will not be played in the fall, but all band and cheer competitions will proceed.
July 23: ESPN announces a 15-part 30 for 30 titled, “H-O-R-S-E Bleep.” It’s a look back at the H-O-R-S-E competition that aired on the network in April.
July 24: The Texas Rangers proceed with allowing fans into the season opener at Globe Life Field. Under Phase 23 restrictions, however, fans must not sit next to each other. They also must sit 20 rows apart, and cannot look at each other. The team announces a standing room only sellout.
July 27: The Dallas Cowboys start their training camp, which is held via Google Hangout.
July 30: The NBA season resumes, and the Brooklyn Nets defeat the Orlando Magic, 108-106. Nets guard Kyrie Irving retires in the middle of the first quarter, but comes out retirement in the fourth quarter and hits a fadeaway 44-foot bank shot off the wrong leg at the buzzer for the win. He retires after the game.
July 31: The Dallas Mavericks play the Houston Rockets in their first game back. Luka Doncic and Kristaps Porzingis combine for a Mavs’ franchise record of 98 points, but Houston’s Russell Westbrook and James Harden score a combined 106 points. The Mavs wins, 110-106.
July 31: The Rangers drop their fifth straight game, and under the Phase 39 guidelines they are mathematically eliminated from the 2020 playoffs.
This story was originally published July 1, 2020 at 5:00 AM.
