Mark it down, the Dallas Cowboys aren’t losing in 2020
If no NFL games are played, the Dallas Cowboys are technically Super Bowl champions.
NFL rules stipulate that in case of a shutdown caused by a global pandemic, the Dallas Cowboys win the Lombardi Trophy. Read the fine print.
Forget the fact that games may not be played, the NFL pushes ahead as if it’s all going to be fine, and there is nothing to see here other than their product.
The NFL has released its entire 2020 schedule, and this is how it’s all going to go down for the ‘Boys.
Week 1: At Rams
Twenty-five minutes before kickoff, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones backs down and signs quarterback Dak Prescott to a three-year, $500 million contract.
Five minutes before kickoff, L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti orders all of the fans in attendance must clear out in accordance with social distancing rules. It does not go well.
There were only 7,412 people at the opening new SoFi Stadium, half of whom were unaware there was a football game scheduled.
At the half, Dak Prescott has 299 yards and thrown three touchdown passes against Rams’ cornerback Jalen Ramsey. Upset, Ramsey demands to be traded back to Jacksonville after the Cowboys’ 30-3 win.
Cowboys 1-0
Week 2: Falcons
In an emergency the Falcons sign former Dallas Cowboys offensive lineman Chaz Green to a contract, and he starts at left tackle in the Cowboys’ home opener to protect Matt Ryan. It does not go well.
Green gives up 14 sacks in the first half, and Forbath nails eight field goals, all from 50-plus yards in a 24-3 win.
Cowboys 2-0
Week 3: At Seahawks
Seattle remains in a virtual lockdown, so to honor “The 12th Man in Seattle” 12 fans are allowed to attend the game. It does not go well.
Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson can’t play because he’s in quarantine. Cowboys running back Zeke Elliott runs for 187 yards and three scores, all before halftime. At the half, he makes a run to his favorite spot in Seattle, “Herban Legends,” where he buys bags for all of his teammates.
Even though he does not bring his wallet, he tells the store to, “Put it on my account” as the Cowboys win, 20-3.
Cowboys 3-0
Week 4: Browns
By now the Browns have fired four coaches, six scouts, two equipment guys, and the entire training staff, and receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has joined the cast of The Real Housewives of Shaker Heights. Owner Jimmy Haslam tells his staff he will assume the play calling on a Zoom call. It does not go well.
Despite playing with two pulled hamstrings, a broken left leg and dislocated right shoulder, Sean Lee intercepts two Baker Mayfield passes in a 24-3 win.
Cowboys 4-0
Week 5: Giants
Now the offensive coordinator of the New York Giants, Jason Garrett returns to the place where he coached on the other side for nearly a decade. It does not go well.
Because the game is against the Giants, tight end Blake Jarwin catches five passes, all for touchdowns, in a 41-3 win.
Cowboys 5-0
Week 6: Cardinals
Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray returns to the stadium where he enjoyed success with the University of Oklahoma. It does not go well.
Murray runs for 123 yards and two touchdowns, but throws three interceptions as Arizona remains winless.
Nonetheless, the Cardinals remain so impressed with coach Kliff Kingsbury he signs a 10-year, $100 million contract extension in the locker room after losing, 21-3.
Cowboys 6-0
Week 7: At Redskins
Washington’s second-year starting quarterback Dwayne Haskins has already asked for a trade which leaves former Texas A&M prized recruit Kyle Allen to takes snaps under center. It does not go well.
The Cowboys pick off Allen four times, including a pick-six by rookie Cowboys safety, CeeDee Lamb. Since he was not seeing the ball much on offense, he asked to be moved to the other side, where he immediately becomes the team’s best playmaker in the secondary. The Cowboys win, 17-3.
Cowboys 7-0
Week 8: At Eagles
Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz is unable to go because of a sprained left pinkie nail, which means rookie Jalen Hurts starts. It does not go well.
Dak Prescott does not play in the second half, and Amari Cooper hooks up the entire offensive line with Pat’s cheesesteaks, which they consume during the fourth quarter of a 38-3 win.
Cowboys 8-0
Week 9: Steelers
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger threatens to retire 10 minutes before kickoff, but decides to play during the coin toss. It does not go well.
Cowboys defensive end Aldon Smith sacks Roethlisberger four times in the first half, and Randy Gregory returns a fumble 99 yards for a touchdown. Both players are suspended by the NFL immediately after the game for unknown reasons. The Cowboys win, 19-3.
Cowboys 9-0
Week 10: Bye
Dak Prescott goes to Cabo.
Week 11: At Vikings
Seeking revenge for the 2019 narrow loss to the Vikings at home, Dak Prescott tells coach Mike McCarthy he will check out of every run play call at the line. It does not go well.
Dak throws the ball 69 times, for only 387 yards and the Cowboys narrowly escape with a 34-3 win.
Cowboys 10-0
Week 12: Redskins
In one of the best comeback stories in recent years, quarterback Alex Smith starts for the Redskins after he last played in November of 2018 when he suffered a gruesome leg injury. It does not go well.
On the second play of the game, Smith is sacked by Cowboys defensive end Tank Lawrence, fumbles, which is returned for a touchdown by linebacker Sean Lee. After the game Smith retires; he says playing healthy for the Redskins is worse than being hurt. The Cowboys cruise and win, 24-3.
Cowboys 11-0
Week 13: At Ravens
Proving that he does not learn from his mistakes, Baltimore safety Earl Thomas puts the Ravens’ entire game plan on his Snapchat account. It does not go well.
A Snapchat junkie, Cowboys backup quarterback Andy Dalton sees the game plan, and the Cowboys know everything the Ravens are going to do. Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson is held to two yards rushing on 19 attempts, as the Cowboys win, 31-3.
Cowboys 12-0
Week 14: At Bengals
Because he likes Andy Dalton so much, Dak Prescott fakes an injury so his backup can get the start against his old team. It does not go well.
The Cowboys trail 3-0 going into the fourth quarter. Dalton erupts in a profanity laced tirade on the sideline. Fox cameras catch Dalton screaming at his teammates, “Gosh darn it, I am sick of this bullstuff! Now come on, guys!”
Inspired by the emotional outburst, the Cowboys score four fourth-quarter touchdowns to win, 28-3.
Cowboys 13-0
Week 15: 49ers
Because the state of California is not allowing gatherings of large groups of people, the 49ers can’t practice at home. They travel to Texas two days ahead of schedule to practice and prepare for the Cowboys. It does not go well.
The defending NFC champions are fat and out of shape, and only 40 players are able to play because of transportation issues. San Francisco quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo completes 30-of-32 passes for 98 yards in a Cowboys’ 26-3 win.
Cowboys 14-0
Week 16: Eagles
Before the game, Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson runs his mouth and predicts an Eagles’ win. It does not go well.
Cowboys running back Zeke Elliott runs for 254 yards and two touchdowns, and CeeDee Lamb makes three tackles for a loss and returns a punt for a touchdown as the Cowboys win 27-3.
Cowboys 15-0
Week 17: At Giants
Now in complete control of his offense, and knowing this opponent, the Giants have the schematic advantage in offensive coordinator Jason Garrett. It does not go well.
The Giants offense goes off for a season-high in points against a Cowboys team that does not play a single starter. Cowboys kicker Kai Forbath nails a 49-yard field goal into an 88 mph wind as the final seconds tick off to win, 6-3.
Cowboys 16-0
NFC Divisional Round vs. Green Bay Packers
To appease disgusted quarterback Aaron Rodgers and give him help at the receiver position, the Packers sign Dez Bryant to a contract for the playoffs. It does not go well.
The roof at AT&T Stadium malfunctions, and it’s stuck in the open position during a driving rain, ice and snow storm.
Trailing 7-3 with three seconds left, Rodgers and the Packers face a 4th-and-2 from their own 38-yard line. Rodgers is chased back to his own 10-yard line before he throws a Hail Mary that goes in and out of the hands of Dez Bryant in the end zone.
Replay officials rule Dez has one foot down with both hands on the ball for 0.1 seconds, which now qualifies as the completion of a football move. The Packers win 9-7.
This story was originally published May 7, 2020 at 8:10 PM.
