A ‘woke’ Andrew Dice Clay crushes a live Dallas audience during ‘the pandemical’
Hosting a live comedy show featuring Andrew Dice Clay as the headliner during what he calls “the pandemical” offers enough material for one of his stand-up acts.
On Wednesday night at Gilley’s Southside Music Hall in Dallas, patrons were required to wear masks for entry. Once they had a seat, the masks came off, and social distancing looked to be more about six inches apart rather than six feet.
Meanwhile, Dice, trademark cigarette in hand, stood behind a large Plexiglass panel, which was set a feet extra feet back from the crowd.
“I haven’t been out in six months and they got me in a cage,” Dice told the 300 in attendance. “Normally, I’m on top of the crowd and here I’m 50 feet away. The point is we’re all here, we’re all having a couple laughs. I’m glad I could be here for you. I’ve been stuck in the house, too, my friend.”
The people who came to Gilley’s were not too concerned about COVID-19. The people here want their life, and routine, back. Watching Dice rip off a set for one hour was just that.
While he gave the audience his signature set of adult nursery rhymes, Dice is a better comic today than during the height of his popularity a generation ago.
As he says, he’s “Woke Dice,” but trying to write about this version of a Dice show remains dicey even without living in a pandemical. So, of what can be shared, here’s a taste:
On the start of the pandemical: “When this started, only one thing came to your mind: Toilet paper. You didn’t care about nourishment. You didn’t care about orange juice and milk and coffee and food ... First off, let me explain how it works. You eat the food, and then you’ll need the toilet paper. Without food you’re really not going to need it.”
On the Kardashians: “The show has lasted a dozen years, one of the greatest shows ever. I don’t care what you think what was a great show, compared to the Kardashians, really, ‘Blacklist’? You wanna compare yourself to the Kardashians?
On drying your hands in the public restrooms: “What happened, my friend, to that American-made, (#$%^) machine with the (#$%^) white rag that just kept (#$%^) coming? You could (#$%^) shower in an airport bathroom and wiped your whole body clean and that towel never even got (#$%^) dirty. It was a (#$%^) miracle. It was like a Criss Angel trick. You keep pulling the towel goin’, ‘Where is it all (#$%^) coming from?’”
On living with his girlfriend during the pandemical: “When I wake up, I like to be left alone. I don’t like to wake up to some smiling face. ‘Cause they’re always right over you. ‘Good morning!’ Don’t do that.
“It is unbelievable stayin’ in the same house with them. You come down stairs, and you want a little coffee, and she’s standin’ right there because there’s nobody to talk to. She’s like, ‘What are you gonna do now?’ I’m looking at her goin’, ‘Whaddya mean?’
“She says, ‘Well, where are you goin?’
“’I dunno. In another room. I don’t know. There’s nowhere to go!’ All day long it’s, ‘Where are you goin’ now?’ ‘I really have no plans. I don’t know. I’m going to step outside the house and stand there.’”
This story was originally published September 24, 2020 at 4:12 PM.
