The coronavirus will go down as the greatest time of a dog’s life
Another walk? Our third of the day!
I have no idea what’s going on, but this is my best life. Let’s go, open the door. Move people!
Why are you all fighting over that stupid puzzle? I could do it, and I’m a dog.
Why are we waiting? Oh. You have to eat again for the fourth time this morning.
Look at all of these people walking. Every day is the Fourth of the July. Those people live next to us? I’ve never seen them before.
I see you brought yourself something to drink but forgot about me. Not to be judgmental, but isn’t 10 a.m. a little early for beer?
And this is the third straight day you’ve worn that exact same outfit, when are we ... SQUIRREL!
Let me go! Let me go once and I’ll catch dinner.
This is heaven. Every block is a dog park.
Not to complain, but while you’re talking to your friends, would you please push that other dog off my back? Bruiser wants to do something to me that is not within the guidelines of social distancing.
This is starting to feel like a setup. The last time we walked this much you took me to the doctor. That’s how I got this scar on my stomach, and lost my ambition to get married.
Doesn’t that cheese danish you’re eating on a walk kinda defeat the purpose?
OK. It’s been two hours. We can go back.
No, I don’t want to pose for a 15th picture. Your ‘gram friends know you have a dog. I’m not some prop.
Besides, I need a nap. And don’t you have a job?
By the way, props to you all; the house looks amazing. Had no idea that thing next to the TV is an end table. I thought it was dust.
Until you cleaned the couch cushions, I did not know that a cat lives here too.
Wait, a bath? We went six months without them and now you are giving me four baths to your one shower.
Put me down! I don’t need my nails clipped. They’re fine.
Have you looked at yourself lately there, champ? It’s called a razor. Maybe try toothpaste once, to hit your weekly quota.
Hold that thought ... I’m thirsty ... You should really try this toilet water sometime.
Where did you go? Who eats a leftover cheeseburger?
Look, I accept that your phone is more important than any of the rest of us, but why are you talking to your computer now, while you’re in your underwear as you wear a tie?
Wait ... more people walking down the street in front of my house. I need to bark at them. They need to know who’s running things.
Lunch? Sure. I’ll eat again. Not sure you need to.
I keep meaning to ask, our entire fridge looks like a packed aisle at CostCo, and you keep ordering take out.
Speaking of, are you going to finish that piece of fried chicken? Tell the little one to stop throwing me those green beans.
You going to let them run around in their PJs all day again?
And please quit yelling. I don’t know what home schooling means.
What is that infernal noise that comes from the pits of hell? I hate that noise.
The piano? She can’t play the piano.
She won’t stop playing the piano, how about a duet? As long as one of you plays the piano, I’ll keep singing.
And why can’t you people stop bickering. I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m here all day, every day. We get it, your brother-in-law is an idiot.
You seem to be washing your hands a lot. And since when do you work in the yard? I know better than anyone. Why do you think my friends never come over.
What do you think you’re doing? That’s not your couch. Off.
We both know you’re never going to finish that book.
Why is she doing push-ups in front of her phone?
As much as I enjoy you scratching under my chin all day, we are not watching Australian horse racing.
Re-watching the Westminster Dog Show is not inspiring.
Who is that freak? What’s a Tiger King?
Now you’re letting them eat crushed Pop Tarts in their Apple Jacks with chocolate milk.
No. No more walks. I’ve walked so much I could win Olympic gold.
Step away from the leash and let it go. You do not want to take me for another walk.
I know where you people keep the toilet paper.
This story was originally published April 8, 2020 at 12:41 PM.
