Two-pound chicken tender and other culinary delights at Globe Life Park
Baseball will never again dominate the America’s sports conscious, but a few things will keep the game healthy, including our innate lust for unhealthy, greasy, cheesy, fatty, delicious foods.
No sport kills diets better than a baseball game, which, despite its slow nature, remains fixed in our hearts because of a heart burn built on a fan experience that is a glorified picnic fueled by a deep fryer.
We join the gym, draw up a diet consisting of protein water and almonds, and pledge that this Monday it’s going to be different; attending a baseball game will eject all of those good intentions, plans and efforts.
Baseball is not as popular as football, basketball or even hockey these days, but the fan experience has morphed into an episode of “Diners, Drive Ins and Dives,” which allows the game to remain relevant.
More than any sport, a baseball game is the ideal location to trash all rational thought towards food and drink as we turn our mouths and stomachs into an agreeable laboratory for terrible ideas, and chocolate syrup covered fried chicken wings.
A baseball game can drag on longer than an episode of CSPAN’s “Greatest Legislative Debates,” but food will save MLB from itself and all of its pitching changes, WAR and launch angles.
Opening Day is here, and the Texas Rangers have released their latest punch to our collective guts. On Monday, the Rangers sampled some of their new culinary caloric bombs to the biggest pack of free loaders, next to doctors and our elected politicians, that ever existed: Sports media.
In an effort to help you, my 9-year-old daughter and I sampled what was made available.
THE FOWL POLE: A 2-pound chicken tender battered and fried; served on a bed of waffle fries with honey mustard and ranch dressing. Because a 2-pound chicken tender is not enough, it must rest on a plate of fries.
Note, this $27.50 dish is not designed for one person. The daughter loves this so much, however, she plans to challenge the concept that this is a multiple-person dish.
GRILLED CHICKEN SANDWICH: Lost me at, ‘Grilled.’ What’s the point?
THE RWB (RED, WHITE AND BLUE) DOG: Using pickles, sweet and spicy relish and onions, this hot dog should be a favorite of MAGA purists; it is red, white and blue. Priced at $11, I’m a big fan. The combination of a hot dog with a little bit of spice and sweet is a good buy.
BACON WRAPPED WINGS: Exactly what is says, a fried chicken wing wrapped in bacon. Served with fries. This is all I want to eat for the rest of my life.
FRIED PB&J: Not available, but this State Fair staple is a crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich deep fried on the outside, and runny on the inside. And we wonder why our children battle obesity more than they do their homework.
BEYOND VEGAN BURGER: A vegan burger patty topped with lettuce, vegan cheese, on a vegan burger bun. I think Veganism is nothing more than a lame schtick to give boring people something to talk about at parties, but as far as this inedible “meat” goes, it’s not bad.
GRILLED CHICKEN SALAD: This was not available to sample, to which I say, ‘Thank God.’ What sort of terrible person orders a grilled chicken salad at a baseball game? If your date orders this at the game, the next words out of your mouth are, “We’re done.”
BAJA FISH TACOS: Chili rubbed, grilled tilapia, pickled slaw, sriracha aioli and cilantro. Ordering tacos at a ballgame still feels unnatural, but this option is a solid, conventional take on a hard-to-screw-up items. The sriracha aioli with chili rub is not necessarily the most kid-friendly alternative, but if tacos are your thing this is a hit.
BREAKFAST ON A STICK: Not available for sampling, but this dish consists of breakfast sausage links wrapped in bacon and then battered and fried. Comes with pancake syrup for dipping. I gained three pounds just typing about it.
TEXAS BURGER: A 1/2 pound burger with American cheese, fried onions, applewood smoked bacon and Rebecca Creek Whiskey barbecue sauce. The burger has become the equivalent of the blue jean: A basic, American essential that is now outrageously priced. As much as eating a burger at a baseball game still doesn’t quite feel right, the Texas Burger at the Rangers game is a good, safe choice.
In all, the Rangers have 22 new items available at the Ballpark for you to order with glee, and then hate yourself after completing.
Start your diet after the game because, this time, it’s going to be different.