Bring in Big Sexy.
Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels has reached a deal with right-handed pitcher Bartolo Colon on a minor league contract, which is the best development of an otherwise dormant off-season in town.
JD said of the addition, “Bartolo brings a track record of durability and success in the major leagues. He pounds the strike zone and provides quality competition for our rotation. Welcome to Texas, Big Sexy!”
The Rangers are going to stink to pig heaven, but maybe they can have some fun doing it. As a sports culture we love fat guys who dance, score, hit, slide, strike out or ... move an inch.
Watching Colon toss batting practice every fifth day in Arlington could be highly entertaining.
Better yet, manager Jeff Banister should designate Big Sexy as a pinch runner on days when he doesn’t pitch, and the team is trailing by five runs after the seventh inning. Big league baseball is all about moving product and engaging fans’ fleeting interest, and the chance to watch Colon steal second might keep people in their seats for the final two innings.
While we’re at it, why not bring back Julio Franco, Josh Hamilton, or — hell, Sammy Sosa?
Colon will turn 45 in May, and while he is a medical, and nutritional, marvel, bringing him in shows just how desperate this team is for a starting pitcher, on the cheap.
JD has blown through daddy’s wallet and despite a decent payroll will still field a bad team. So rather than shop at Neiman Marcus for a new player, JD is currently carefully examining the “Manager’s Bin” at the Dollar Store.
JD has made a nice niche for himself as a guy who will try to flip any house for a deal, and squeeze one more season out of an aging bat or arm. Vlad Guerrero was JD’s biggest hit. JD flipped Kenny Lofton, and Eric Gagne for prospects. Manny Ramirez was a bust.
Which brings us to Big Sexy.
Few athletes are as inspiring to middle-aged men, and beer league softball players, as Colon. He’s listed at 285 pounds, which looks only about 30 pounds short of approaching the truth.
Here’s the best part: Despite his appearance as just some big dude, Colon actually flunked a drug test, thus crushing the perception that only ripped jocks juice.
Rumors about Colon using PEDs had existed for years, and in 2012 he was suspended for 50 games for violating the league’s policy.
Even today, it still reads unbelievable: “Bartolo Colon. Used. Steroids.”
Colon would have a real chance at an endorsement deal for PEDS; “Steroids, they’re not just for fit guys anymore.”
If someone can guarantee me Colon is “roiding” again, and won’t get caught, the Rangers should add him to their big league roster.
Despite the workload, Colon’s arm will never fall off. He is just one of those guys who can play baseball forever.
The Rangers are going to need pitchers to eat innings, and although Colon’s ERA last season was 6.48 between Atlanta and Minnesota, he managed to make 28 starts.
He can pitch in any situation, and despite his age he clearly wants to play until the game tells him he can’t. Now, maybe he’s just another jock who doesn’t want to go home, but you do have to respect the man’s passion for the game.
Under JD, the Rangers have made a habit of looking for cheap old houses, and Colon fits that description.
This one happens to be a very big, a very old, but a very sexy, house.
Let him pitch. Let him bat cleanup. Let him play left. Let him steal home.
Just send in the clown.
Mac Engel: @macengelprof