18 bucket-list items: A duffer’s dream round

Though he came oh so close on Monday at St. Andrews, Jordan Spieth will have to wait at least until next year to scratch the British Open off his golfing bucket list.

Don’t fret. It will give the young man something to look forward to.

When it came to figuring out my personal golfing to-do list, there were 18 items, for obvious reasons, that I’d like to do before kicking the bucket:

Break 80: If you hit this barometer in golf, you instantly become a mover and shaker at the club … because you’re going to do some dancing.

The scorecard reads more pars than bogeys in a round: Ah, the thousands spent on how-to books, videos and lessons are starting to pay off big.

Shoot even par: This is no small achievement. This standoff with a game as cruel as golf is tantamount to a date with Natalie Gulbis.

A date with Natalie Gulbis: I’m a grown man, Mother, but if you must know, I merely want to treat her to dinner and bend her ear on golf.

Make a hole-in-one: Golf tradition mandates that this hero buy the bar a round. It would be well worth maxing out the credit card. Pinch me … and then make them doubles, bartender!

Attend the Ryder Cup: There would be nothing in the world like watching the boys in red, white and blue take it to those uppity Europeans. USA! USA! USA!

Play Pebble Beach: Jack Nicklaus says if he had one round to play, it’d be this walk along the Pacific Ocean. That’s good enough endorsement for this guy.

Play St. Andrews: The Old Course in Scotland is the birthplace for this misery baptized as golf. Here, you can pay tribute to King James II, who in the mid-1400s banned golf because he believed people were playing too much of it.

Attend the Masters: You won’t ever play there unless you’re on a first-name basis with a powerful woman, such as Condoleezza Rice. However, your cousin, Bubba, has a friend who has a friend who is a friend of a banker being investigated by the Fed. And he’s got the clout to get the toughest ticket in sports.

Breakfast with Arnie: For an hour, chat up the golf legend over a few eggs and corned-beef hash. Do you drink Arnold Palmers?

Lunch with Jack Nicklaus: I want to learn mental toughness from the Golden Bear … over a Masters pimento cheese sandwich, of course.

A night out with Tiger Woods: Can’t play with him on the course or at the bank, but I can go toe-to-toe with Tiger at the bar. Belly up, big boy. Show me how to party.

A round with David Feherty: Trucking around 18 with the witty golf analyst would certainly be quite the blast.

Shoot your age: You probably have a much better chance of hitting this golf benchmark at 80 rather than 75 or 90 and for completely different reasons.

Grand Slam as a spectator: Augusta was great years ago. Now, I’m retired and bored, and if I can score a ticket to the Masters…

Longest drive in a tournament: There isn’t anything more manly than to stand tall during lunch after the tournament and claim the gift certificate to the area golf store for smashing one 330 yards.

A pub in Ireland after 18: Is there a better 19th hole than a pub in County Cork, where you can trade lies with the best storytellers in the world?

Jump in a greenside lake*: It’s 100 degrees, you’ve always wanted to do it, it’s been a terrible round, you’re at 18. What would Jerry Pate do?

*Actually, leave this to the professionals.

This story was originally published July 22, 2015 at 7:28 PM with the headline "18 bucket-list items: A duffer’s dream round."