For Father’s Day, my infant son told me how to be a good man | Opinion

I’m mystified at a world that doesn’t quite seem to know these days what makes a good man, and a good father.

When I was a kid, it was pretty simple. You told the truth. You stood up to bullies. You respected your mom and dad, and every other mom and dad. You didn’t call people names, as much as you may have wanted to. And you practiced the Golden Rule, as much as any kid could.

Some of the kid stuff was particular to guys. Without anyone telling you, understanding the code of being a guy was your job as a boy. So first you watched your dad, your grandpas, your uncles, then your dad’s friends and buddies, and then all the other guys in the world. But most important, you watched how they walked their talk — that’s how every boy in the world measures the men in his life. How their words match their actions.

But when it came to your dad, you really watched and listened to how the entire man equation was put together. What was right. What was wrong. And what was confusing. Because when the words didn’t match the actions, you were perplexed. It was all about consistency. What your dad did day after day, year after year. That’s what good guys did. Walked their talk. And you knew deep down in your kid bones that growing up to be a good guy meant you would be a good father. Because both were one and the same.

That’s why we’re all a bit mystified these days about what means to be a good man. Because the words don’t always match the actions. Because the lies are dressed up as truths. Because it seems to be okay to be a bully and to call people names. And the Golden Rule? It’s getting tarnished too.

‘Write the letter to me’

When my son was first born, I grappled with that most essential question: how to be a good dad. I was working on my book, “The Legacy Letters,” about a father leaving behind a series of life letters for his children but I was stuck on the last letter, “On My Boy Becoming a Man.” In desperation, I turned to my son of 3 months and asked him what I should do. He smiled and babbled back at me and said, “Write the letter to me.” Brilliant kid! Since we were on a roll, I decided to ask him what it meant to be a good father. And he said, “Be a good man first.” Out of the mouths of babes.

So simple. So perfect.

Eighteen years ago, I wrote these words to my son and they have guided me ever since, both as a father and a man. And now it is my turn to share with all fathers on this Father’s Day, my son’s inspired words of wisdom to me:

When do you become a man? You become a man when you first decide to put away the things of childhood, the talk of childhood and the thoughts of childhood. You decide because you cannot be treated as both a man and a boy. Because you are either one or the other, but you are not both. And it doesn’t matter your age — you can be a child at 15 or 40. Only when you as a boy decide you’re done waiting for the man you want to be and start being the man you want to become, do you begin to become a man.

When do you become a man?

When you become your own man.

When other men trust you to do a man’s work. Trust you with their name, their reputation, their thoughts. Trust you to watch their backs and trust you with their lives.

To become a man is to carry out your word because you gave your word. And your word is you as a man.

You become a man the moment you understand that responsibility is a real and vital commitment to yourself and others, and not some lazy dog, all-agreeing grunt.

Becoming a man means doing the right thing even though it may be hard or difficult. Boys do what is easiest. A man does what is right, whether easy or not.

Being your wife’s partner

When do you become a man?

You become a man when you marry not just for love but to be a partner with your wife. To be the best man you can be with her, and when you fall short, to admit your shortcomings and to constantly strive to be a great man to your wife.

You become a man when, in having children, you not only physically look after and protect them but also protect them with all the love and learning you have to give.

You become a man when you give your family the best of who you are. And ultimately by being the best man to yourself and to your wife, you are being the best man to your children. And that, my Son, is a great gift and responsibility.

And what type of man should you be, my son?

A good man. Above all else, strive to be a good man.

A good man, in your papa’s book, is a great man. One who constantly strives to be the best of men, to himself and to others. Because the world can never have enough good men.

And what makes a good man, my son.

A good man is being fair. In both your words and your actions.

When you admit being wrong. And then right that wrong.

A good man knows when he’s been humbled, and learns from his humility.

Being a good man means to speak with sincerity, and love with certainty.

A good man will try to act wisely by thinking first and then acting.

A good man tells the truth.

A good man lives for the joy in life and the happiness of being alive, not shackled to the wants of the future or the regrets of the past.

A good man defends those that cannot defend themselves.

And a good man knows the difficulty of being a man, knowing the fall from grace is always near at hand, and thus is always striving to make himself a better man.

To all fathers everywhere, who continue the good fight to be good man and a good father: Happy Father’s Day.

This story was originally published June 13, 2025 at 7:09 AM with the headline "For Father’s Day, my infant son told me how to be a good man | Opinion."