‘Report it’: Fort Worth resident who suffered abuse encourages adults to speak for children
One of the earliest memories of abuse Fort Worth resident Joyce Haynes remembers happened before she was in kindergarten.
She said she went into the bathroom to wash toy dishes, reenacting her mother washing real dishes in the kitchen, when a little piece of play silverware went down the drain. She and her older sister couldn’t get the piece out from the drain, and Haynes said she was so scared of what her father would do when he got home that she almost threw up.
Haynes said when her father came home and saw the piece in the drain, he beat her with a metal fly swatter so hard that it broke in pieces.
“I couldn’t sit down for over a month. I remember I couldn’t sit down because it hurt so bad,” she said. “He bragged about it.”
Haynes is now 61, but she said time doesn’t mean she’s forgotten what she’s been through.
When she read about the death of 3-year-old Elena Joiner, she was reminded of her own traumatic childhood and the lasting impact it has had on her life.
Elena died Dec. 1 from injuries she received after Fort Worth police said her father repeatedly hit her a few days before. The child’s great-aunt, Latisha Carter, said her death was preceded by several years of abuse at the hands of 22-year-old Billy Ray Joiner Jr., and claimed state Child Protective Services failed her nieces and nephews.
“[Children] don’t know what to do; they don’t know this is not normal,” Haynes said. “When this is happening to you, you’re scared, you’re terrified, and you speak up, you’re terrified. You can’t defend yourself, you’ve got a grown adult beating on you. You can’t stand up and fight back — you’re not big enough.”
Years later, she still remembers how her father would get angry and abuse her and her siblings. Once her father filled about 6 inches of water in a tub, peed in it and dunked her head in the tub, she said. That same day, Haynes said, he stuck her head in a toilet and flushed it several times.
When she was in the first grade, Haynes said, her father left her then-pregnant mother, her and her two siblings in the middle of winter with a bag of black-eyed peas and no gas. After he left, she said, her mother’s beatings started.
Haynes said she and her siblings would have to strip before her mother hit them with a belt, once catching the side of her face. She said when an elementary school teacher noticed the belt mark on her face, Haynes, fearful, said it was a burn mark from a heater. Authorities were called to check on the family, but she and her siblings were not removed from the home. Both of her parents are dead, and neither ever faced criminal charges, Haynes said.
About the time she was in the sixth grade, Haynes said, she got tired of the beatings from her mother and left her to live with her father.
“I think I just wanted a parent to love me,” she said.
While living with her father, Haynes said, she was molested by him and no one believed her or cared. She ended up moving back in with her mother, going from the molestation to more beatings.
Her youngest brother, Duane McMichael, said he was in elementary school when he realized playing sports and getting involved in school would help keep him away from his home life.
He started running track and field from fourth grade through seventh grade, later playing tennis at Polytechnic High School. McMichael said his mother and stepfather made him pay his own way for sports and other school activities, so he would earn money mowing lawns, which kept him away from home longer.
“I wasn’t at home around all the negative energy directed toward me,” he said. “It kept me around people that actually liked having me around and enjoyed my work ethic, my humor, my drive. So it was a very positive thing for me.”
Growing up, Haynes said they were always getting evicted and moved around often.
When she was 14, Haynes was left to care for her younger brothers alone in a trailer park in Haltom City. In order to bring in money, she said, she hitchhiked to and from her job at an after-hours club where she waited tables.
Haynes said the trauma from her childhood experiences impacted her ability to develop relationships as an adult, resulting in trust issues and an aversion to sudden physical touch.
“It’s hard to love,” she said. “It’s real hard to love.”
Her deceased husband, who she was married to for 13 years, used her past against her, Haynes said, and was also physically abusive. Whenever Haynes called police, he would say she was lying and when she tried to leave him, he threatened to file a suit against her for desertion.
She said it’s because of her past that she didn’t know how to be a mother for her son and it strained their relationship. Both Haynes and her son suffer from PTSD.
“I failed him,” she said. “I didn’t know how to be a mom.”
The two have worked to rebuild their understanding of each other and, today, Haynes said their relationship is better than it’s ever been. Listening to her son talk about her shortcomings as a parent was difficult for her to hear, but she said it was necessary for him to get it out.
“I can’t apologize enough for it,” Haynes said. “I’ll never, never be able to make it up. All I can do is move forward and try to do better, and not be that person anymore.”
Gordan Sims, Haynes’ son, said talking about the past is a painful process because it means having to relive the experiences, but it helps. His children have also helped him move forward.
Growing up, Sims saw firsthand how abuse and trauma can lead to a cycle from one generation to the next. As a father of three, with another one on the way, Sims said he knows it’s up to him to break that cycle for his kids.
“If the cycle doesn’t break with me, it’s gonna have to break with them. And I don’t want them to have to break the same cycle,” he said.
Becoming a grandparent has helped move Haynes forward. She said her grandchildren are the lights of her life and loves to get tight hugs, or squeezes, from them.
She’s also thankful for her daughter-in-law, who she said has brought out the best in her son and loves him fully. Her daughter-in-law is studying to be a social worker and Haynes is hopeful that she will help make a difference.
For children experiencing abuse, Haynes said she wants them to know that it’s not their fault and encourages them to tell a trusted adult.
Haynes said adults should believe children when they speak up about experiencing potential abuse and investigate it.
“Listen to them, pay attention,” she said. “Talk to them. Investigate. If you think the child is being abused, speak up, say something, do something — report it.”
If you or someone you know has experienced child abuse, the 24-hour hotline listed on the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services website is 800-252-5400. The 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.
