How to talk to your kids about Ukraine, Russia and the scary prospect of World War III
Even for adults, it can be hard to wrap our minds around the displacement, violence, conflict, tragedy and hardship that’s happening in Ukraine. We might feel helpless, afraid, mentally exhausted and overwhelmed, or just hurt by what we’ve seen on the news since Russia’s invasion.
It’s no wonder that it can be even more difficult for kids, who could be even more terrified by the violence and talk of World War III. They’ll hear a friend talk about it, they might see something on social media (yes, even TikTok), or they’ll catch a glimpse of the news on TV. As they struggle to make sense of it, they’ll turn to you, their parents.
We spoke with psychologists for tips on how to approach that conversation with your kids to help ease their anxiety and provide some comfort.
Just have the conversation
If you’re unsure about whether to have a conversation about war, experts say it’s always better if you have that talk with them first, because they’re going to be exposed to it anyway.
“It’s obviously important that we even have these conversations, even though it’s not the easiest topic, because the reality is kids are going to read about this on social media anyways, and they’re going to have conversations at school about what’s going on in Ukraine,” said Dr. Jeffrey Shahidullah, a pediatric psychologist at UT Health Austin. “So it’s probably best to address some of this upfront through honest conversations with kids.”
Having that conversation ensures:
- That children get factual information from you rather than false information elsewhere;
- That they have a sense of safety and security from you. Highlight that it’s your responsibility as their parent to keep them safe.
Monitor exposure to news
While you should address it with them in a controlled way, experts say, make sure your children are not constantly bombarded with news at home. Limit exposure to TV news and adult conversations about invasion and displacement. Let them watch some news clips to help them understand what’s happening, as long as you vet it for disturbing or scary images. Don’t keep the news on all the time.
“Your kids are always listening, they pick up on parents’ reactions and language, even though we may not always think that our kids are,” Shahidullah said.
Mention that information they see online isn’t always accurate or trustworthy, and that they shouldn’t believe everything they read. Tell them that you only get your news from reputable sources.
“Use your judgment about what kind of information is going to be appropriate for your child,” says Dr. David Cross, TCU professor of child development and psychology.
[Related: Nearly 100 years ago, this family with Fort Worth ties escaped from Ukraine, the Russians]
Choose the right time
When you have the discussion, pick the right time.
Don’t have it before bedtime. You should instead talk to them about it in the car while commuting or during family meal times.
Ask them about their feelings
Start by asking your kids what they know about the conflict. Ask them about what’s been happening, how they’re feeling about it and what their friends at school have been saying. Thank them for bringing up an uncomfortable topic with you, and tell them that they’re always welcome to discuss it with you.
“You want to see where they’re getting their information from, how accurate it is, you just want to get a sense for what they’ve been hearing,” Shahidullah said. “Like, are they hearing from kids at school that it’s definitely going to be World War III?”
Then, you’ll want to acknowledge and validate their emotions. Show that you’re taking their questions and concerns seriously.
Tell them it’s normal to feel sad when we see people getting hurt, and it’s normal to feel scared or worried when you see something scary happening and we don’t know how it’s going to end.
[Related: Fort Worth company owner donating body armor to Ukraine. How you can help]
Reassure them that they’re safe
Small children are more likely to fear that what’s happening on the news might happen to them.
“Young kids tend to be very egocentric, think they’re kind of at the center of things and the world happens to them, and so you might want to kind of assure them,” Shahidullah said.
Tell them that it’s unlikely to happen in the U.S. and explain why.
Sit down with them, look at a map of Ukraine and talk about the history of the country.
“It’s a humanistic sort of thing. Just because stuff’s happening on the other end of the world, doesn’t mean these aren’t moms and dads and brothers and sisters and kids just like you and I,” Shahidullah said. “So it is a good thing, that you have these feelings and emotions and empathy. It’s a very human thing to feel. We want our kids to be curious about what’s going on other places.”
Says Cross: Tell your child something like, “We’re going to do everything we can to keep our family safe, and right now our family is safe.”
Be honest
Try to strike a balance between too much and too little information, experts say.
Tell the truth, but not the whole truth, Cross says.
“Ultimately, you want to be truthful, you don’t want to paint this rosy picture that is meant to make your kids feel better in the moment, like this will never happen to us, and everything’s going be fine,” Shahidullah said. “You want to be truthful, but you don’t want to give them too much information. You only want to provide kids the information that they can handle, and it may not be all of the nitty gritty details.”
For example, Shahidullah says, tell them there’s a leader of a country who’s doing things that are not nice, and homes are being destroyed, people are getting hurt and sometimes even dying. But there are also lots of other leaders of countries that are saying what he’s doing is bad and are trying to stop it. Read positive stories with them about how people around the world are helping.
If they’re younger, you can tell them war is like an argument, but instead of talking about it, they’ve decided to fight. You can say you’re worried for the Ukrainian people, but it’s not affecting us here in the U.S. right now.
Don’t use polarizing language
The language you use when talking about war can be really important.
Avoid polarizing language that could shape how your children view a group of people. You don’t want them to negatively generalize about the group.
“That’s obviously a problem in our society that can lead to like prejudice or discrimination,” Shahidullah said.
Instead of saying that the Russians are doing a bad thing, say that the leader of Russia is doing something bad.
Teach them to help others
Kids can feel helpless when they hear about a war in another country. A good way to address that feeling of powerlessness is to engage in philanthropic activities as a family.
“Just taking action can be very empowering to kids and can actually relieve some of the distress,” Shahidullah said.
They can decorate a poster, write a poem or donate some of their allowance or birthday money to charity.
Here are five ways you and your family can help the people of Ukraine.
You don’t need to have all the answers
“It’s okay for adults to say, ‘I don’t have the answer to every question,’” Shahidullah said. “You could say there’s not always easy answers, it’s a really complicated situation.”
Or, you could say that you don’t know at the moment but that you’ll do some research and let them know. Don’t look it up with them, because violent images could pop up.
“Once a kid sees something, it could be a potentially traumatic sort of image,” Shahidullah said.
Your child might be harboring anxiety or distress if:
- There are changes to their eating or sleeping patterns;
- They are jittery, irritable, clingy or on edge.
If they exhibit these signs, it’s best to talk to their pediatrician. They can refer you to a mental health professional who can teach them coping skills to calm down and feel better.
