The perils of planning a funeral during the age of coronavirus concerns
The funeral was scheduled for her mother Saturday, but ... add that to the list of cancellations, and modifications.
For the funerals that are proceeding, how does one exactly practice social distancing? A funeral is about support, and connections to people through that now “potentially fatal” embrace.
Do you wipe down before giving your mom and dad a hug? Do you text, “I love you. I’m sorry for your loss” to your grieving friend who is five feet in front of you at the grave site?
For Jim and Phyllis Stouffer of Fort Worth, they proceeded this week to arrange a service for her mother, Rachel Jackson.
A funeral is an inherently awful and stressful event to plan, navigate and manage. Now do it when you can only invite a small number of people, and everyone is supposed to “social distance,” and you are not 100 percent sure the deceased didn’t actually have the coronavirus.
“We had scheduled a funeral at the church and a party but we were told we couldn’t do it,” Phyllis Stouffer said. “So we’re going to do a burial service for just family and friends at the grave site. We were told no more than 10 people, but we invited 20. We don’t care what they say.”
In normal circumstances, far more than 20 people would have attended the services for Rachel Jackson.
The passing of Rachel Jackson
Rachel was 96, and died in her sleep on Thursday morning, March 12. The cause of death was congestive heart failure. “They” think.
Last Sunday, the first reported coronavirus death in Tarrant County was Rachel’s good friend, Pat James, 77, who also lived in the retirement community.
“Pat was in her room on March 1,” Phyllis Stouffer said. “We didn’t know. The last couple of days, she had been complaining about her lungs.”
Per Jim Stouffer, Pat James went into the hospital on March 10.
Since late February, Rachel had been in the skilled nursing center, with many of the same symptoms that are now associated with coronavirus.
“There are so many questions because there was so much overlapping,” Jim Stouffer said. “Did she have it and give it to him? Did he give to her? Did she maybe contract it while she was being taken care of by the nurses?”
Phyllis Stouffer said that at the time of her mother’s death, there was no testing for the coronavirus at the retirement center, and it had not been suggested. Since Pat James died, the center has begun testing all residents, patients and employees.
“A friend wrote that it’s too bad that she won’t be able to have the fanfare she receives,” Phyllis Stouffer said.
These days no one is.
Planning to grieve in the time of coronavirus
Planning a funeral is a surreal experience for the uninitiated, and today it has become the same for the professionals who make a living at the uncomfortable process.
Funeral directors have been issued a set of guidelines, as put in place by the National Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) National Cemeteries.
It’s something out of the movie, “Contagion.”
Some funeral service homes now mandate immediate cremations, or direct burials. Meetings to set up funeral services are now done via Zoom, Skype or some other virtual meeting app.
Funeral homes now only allow immediate family for services and visitations, within the numbers issued by the federal government.
Memorial services are now streamed online live.
“Nothing like this has ever happened. Normally, we only had to worry and take precautions with the body,” said funeral director Javier Najera, who has been licensed in Texas since 1997, “but not the public attending the service.”
For Phyllis and Jim Stouffer, and everyone planning these sorts of events, this means either proceeding, or delaying.
They proceeded. None of Stouffer’s three children could attend the service, the same for the grandchildren. The limit is 10.
“I am saddened that they can’t come. We’re doing OK. It’s just different,” Phyllis Jackson said. “It’s just a scary time.”
There will be a better time, and when that day occurs Rachel Jackson will be celebrated with a party with all of her family and friends who can embrace without fear.
Until then, funeral and memorial services proceed at a “safe” distance, or we express our sympathies online.
This story was originally published March 22, 2020 at 5:00 AM.
