Varsity Tavern’s ‘Return of the Mac’ burger is a mac (and cheese) daddy

A good sign you may not be in for the greatest meal in the world: beer-holders in the men’s room.

A great place to drink your weight in beer, sure. Evidence was right there, in the form of a handy-dandy beer-holder. They make it very convenient for you to drink here. But do they serve a good burger? I was doubtful at best.

This is the conundrum I found myself in recently, when it was suggested that newly opened West 7th frat bar Varsity Tavern may have a good burger, one topped with a golden crown of mac and cheese — a surefire way to conquer the hearts, in more ways than one, of Fort Worth cholesterol-lovers.

Now, you don’t have to tell me what I already know: I’ve eaten enough good burgers in enough strange places to realize that they can come from anywhere. But I have yet to find a great one in a West 7th frat bar, especially one stocked with 40 TVs blaring nothing but sports games and an AC/DC-loud sound system coughing up Jessie J. et. al’s Bang, Bang; man, I can’t stand that song.

Delivered on a square metal tray and standing a good 4 inches tall, the “Return of the Mac” mac and cheese burger, one of four burgers offered, did look good, I’ll give them that. There was so much mac and cheese tumbling out of it, though, that I just knew they piled it on to mask a bad patty. I imagined the cook saying with a laugh, “Here’s a mediocre burger covered up by mac and cheese. Enjoy, idiot!”

Wanting to get as many bites in as possible before it collapsed, I quickly removed the skewer that held it together and took a bite, instantly connecting with the saltiness of three strips of perfectly cooked bacon and the richness and softness of the elbow mac and cheese. Hey, that was pretty good.

As big as my mouth is, it missed the patty, so hoping the burger would stay together for just a few more seconds, I dove in for bite No. 2. This time, I tore a good chunk out of the patty and discovered not the gray and boring meat I was expecting, but the warm, pink, juicy center of a — gasp — medium patty.

Upon further inspection — i.e., more bites — I realized that this was not, in fact, a medium patty at all, no sir, but a coveted, highly desired medium-rare patty. I recall the server asking me how I wanted it cooked. I also recall chuckling, because, what difference does it make what I say? It’s still gonna come out well-done because I’m at a FRAT BAR. “Between medium-rare and medium” is what I said, and that’s what I got. Excuse me while I eat some more of my words here.

Such a momentous occasion it was, forever will I remember the moving lyrics to the song that was playing when I took that magical first bite: “Now watch me whip/Now watch me nae-nae.”

I LOVE this song.

I chomped away, not caring that I was making such a mess. My server was beginning to stare. Boy, am I glad my lunch date bailed. You shoulda seen all the mac and cheese stuck in my beard!

Halfway through, the bottom bun gave in and I had a mac-and-cheese deluxe burger salad in front of me. Which wasn’t a bad thing at all. Setting aside the top bun (because, you know, I’m trying to watch what I eat and stuff), I was actually given a bit more insight into why I loved this burger so much. Oh, here’s why: MORE CHEESE.

On top of the patty rested an additional slice of cheddar cheese. This is, apparently, for people who feel like mac and cheese just doesn’t offer enough cheese. You people rule!

In the end, all that remained was the top bun, and I wasn’t going to eat it, not after this sudden disappearance of food that is 100 percent horrible for my health. I didn’t bring a shovel to dig my grave — I brought the bulldozer.

Well, just a tiny tear of this glorious brioche bun, toasted and buttered and soft on top, crisp underneath, I told myself, would probably be OK. I promised my wife that I wasn’t going to go overboard and, to be honest with you, I just didn’t feel like three strips of bacon, a box of mac and cheese, a half-pound of meat, and half a brioche bun could be defined as “going overboard.” Now, if I broke off a tiny piece of that bread and ate it, I’d be a total pig!

This is the part of the story where, hopefully, someone will text my wife a funny cat video and she won’t finish the story! So will someone please text my wife a funny cat video? Her number is 817-3…

Oh, it was too late. I tore off another piece, then another and another, until it was all gone. My head hung in embarrassment and shame. I started to tear up.

“Ha, you didn’t like your burger, did you?” said the server.

To which I responded, “Hahaha, you’re funny. See you tomorrow.”

Varsity Tavern’s kitchen is open 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Sunday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Friday and Saturday. 1005 Norwood St., Fort Worth. 817-999-2854; http://varsitytavern.com.

This story was originally published July 21, 2016 at 11:08 AM with the headline "Varsity Tavern’s ‘Return of the Mac’ burger is a mac (and cheese) daddy."