Kiss leaders’ Rock & Brews drives us crazy but not wild

In a 2014 interview with Esquire, Kiss bassist and co-lead vocalist Gene Simmons lamented the health of rock ’n’ roll: “The death of rock was not a natural death. Rock did not die of old age. It was murdered.”

If that is in fact the case, then it’s tempting to view Simmons’ restaurant venture he launched in 2012 as one of the nails in the coffin.

Along with Kiss bandmate and co-founder Paul Stanley, Simmons created a rock-themed eatery known as Rock & Brews, a sprawling chain restaurant that promises, per its website, “a rock-inspired experience with concert lighting, videos of some of the greatest rock concert moments of all time, rock art and a Great Wall of Rock featuring some of the biggest icons of the genre.” (Simmons and Stanley will be on hand for a sold-out grand opening event May 10.)

Located in The Colony, one of Dallas’ far northern suburbs, and situated a stone’s throw from the behemoth Nebraska Furniture Mart, Rock & Brews is more cover band than stadium act — a sort of classic-rock Cheesecake Factory by way of Hard Rock Cafe and House of Blues — and, judging from the jam-packed dining room on a recent Saturday visit, will probably be pulling in fans for months to come.

It must be said that Rock & Brews lives up to its promises — there was an abundance of rock-related eye candy, whether it was an enormous mural of Stevie Ray Vaughan or multiple televisions blaring classic videos from David Bowie, the Cars, Boston and Queen, and the volume level was not too far from what you could expect at an actual concert.

Any question of the restaurant’s popularity was answered upon arrival, when the hostess informed us it would be about an hour before we could get a table. The wait, which ended up being closer to 30 minutes, allowed our party to grab a beer from the sizable bar (which takes up a good quarter of the room) and sit outside in one of the two patio spaces.

The “Brews” aspect is admittedly impressive, and the offerings take up a full two pages of the menu (wine and cocktails are also offered). While my dining companions Carla, Sarah and I stuck to beer — frosty glasses of Revolver’s Blood & Honey and Bud Light ($5 and $3.50, respectively, for 16-ounce pours) — we did catch glimpses of cocktails like Smoke on the Water ($9.95), a blend of Deep Eddy peach vodka, Captain Morgan spiced rum, fresh lemon, lime and orange juices, and grenadine, served in a Mason jar smoldering with a sliver of dry ice.

While we waited, we ordered one of Rock & Brews’ “opening acts,” a “giant soft authentic Bavarian pretzel” ($8.99). The pretzel, which was indeed pretty sizable, was served with a spicy-sweet mustard that packed a sinus-clearing kick, and also came with an optional side of bland bier cheese ($1.99 extra).

By the time we’d finished demolishing the pretzel, our table was ready. The loud, high-ceiling dining room is filled with bar-top tables and booths, and there is precious little room to maneuver, making the dining experience mildly claustrophobic — and shouty; our server was practically yelling to be heard over the din as he took our orders — especially when Rock & Brews is going full-tilt. Shout It Out Loud, indeed.

The menu, which has an unnerving heft, is overwhelming, split among VIP Salads, Signature Wings, Headliner Sandwiches, Craft Burgers, R&B Specialties, Regional Market Fresh Grill, Front Row Pizzas and Encores (desserts). There is quite literally something for just about any appetite.

We elected to divide and conquer, trying a signature item — the Santa Maria Fire-Grilled Tri Tip Sandwich ($12.99), adorned with a server-suggested slice of pepper jack cheese ($1 more) — alongside a pasta dish (blackened chicken pasta, $12.99) and the Sweet Heat chicken ($11.99).

To maintain an illusion of health — like a rock star slugging wheatgrass shots before hitting the stage — we also ordered a couple of side salads, the Rockin’ House Salad ($2.99) and the Hail Caesar ($2.99), as well as a side of roasted Brussels sprouts ($7.99), sauteed in garlic oil and topped with cotija cheese and bacon.

In what was far and away Rock & Brews’ most impressive aspect, our food — every last thing we ordered — was delivered to our table in about 10 minutes. Given the chaos to that point, it was genuinely shocking to see plates of food materialize so quickly. (Also laudable: After Carla took one bite of the roasted Brussels sprouts and deemed them inedible, our server graciously removed both the plate from the table and the item from our bill without our having to ask.)

Unfortunately, the sense of awe ended there, as we were confronted with uniformly bland, aggressively salty and mostly disappointing food.

The tri-tip sandwich, while containing slices of steak cooked to the requested medium, was a mishmash of flavors, none of them particularly memorable. The sandwich, plastered with pepper jack cheese, also featured pico de gallo, baby greens, barbecue sauce and a garlic aioli, crammed into “an artisan sourdough roll.” It seemed on the meager side, with crispy french fries filling out the rest of the plate, and it was a struggle to taste the flavor of the steak, never mind the occasional jolts of barbecue sauce. I could never really discern the garlic aioli.

The Sweet Heat chicken was a fried chicken breast dressed with, well, “Sweet Heat seasoning” and served with a cilantro Asian sauce. The breading, which slipped off as soon as any pressure was applied to the chicken breast, tasted much more sweet than hot, and the flavor was forgotten almost as soon as you swallowed.

Blackened chicken pasta, the table’s favorite dish (which isn’t saying much), mixed penne pasta into a light tomato cream sauce garnished with basil, and was served with cheese-covered garlic bread.

The salads — the Rockin’ House Salad was chopped romaine lettuce, grape tomatoes, diced cucumber, shredded cheese and three croutons; the Hail Caesar was chopped romaine hearts, croutons, grape tomatoes and Parmesan cheese — were serviceable, like a mindless Top 40 hit played into the ground.

Much of our meal went unfinished, as no one at the table could really muster the enthusiasm to keep eating. (In our defense, we were likely far too sober — Rock & Brews seems like the kind of place you go to drink yourself stupid, and eat really crummy food in order to soak up all the booze.)

We figured dessert was worth a shot, and ordered another R&B signature dish: the “Purple Rain” Drops ($6.99), six chocolate-filled French doughnut balls drizzled with raspberry sauce and served with a side of whipped cream for dipping.

With a seemingly raw ringlet of dough surrounding the chocolate filling, which made for a slightly strange contrast with the tart raspberry sauce, the Drops were the sad finale to a meal that too often felt like the equivalent of a reunion tour staged expressly to rake in millions.

This story was originally published May 4, 2016 at 7:11 AM with the headline "Kiss leaders’ Rock & Brews drives us crazy but not wild."