The ultimate procrastinator’s guide to Christmas Eve shopping

You and I are the same, my dawdling friend. Each and every Christmas, we make and break the same promise: to get our Christmas shopping done early. Or at least on time. Or at least not at the very last minute. Or AT LEAST, good grief, not on Christmas Eve.

Yet here we are again, the day before Christmas, wondering what we’re going to get for that holiday party tonight, or for stocking stuffers in the morning, or for the little gifts that are not the Big Ones. Now, I know you got your Big Gifts out of the way — your new cars, your diamond necklaces, your iPads.

You learned a long time ago that Car Max isn’t open on Christmas Eve.

Ah, but QT is. And so is Valero. And Walgreens. You can, in fact, get the rest of your Christmas shopping done at these places; it may even be a little fun.

Gift No. 1: I had strep throat over Thanksgiving, then the flu a week later, so I am very well acquainted with the inventory at my local Walgreens.

While perusing the Feel Like I’m Gonna Die aisle, I found the amazing Disney Frozen Snuggie ($14.99), which I am assuming is for a young girl because every time that Frozen song comes on the radio, my little boy makes gagging noises, like we’re trying to feed him okra. Such noises kinda sound like this: “TURN THAT SONG OFF OR I’M GOING TO HAVE THE BIGGEST CONNIPTION FIT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.”

Anyway, this is a really cute gift for a little girl.

Gift No. 2: 7-Eleven has figured out that you and I are not alone in this world, that there are others like us who wait until the last second to start their Christmas shopping. They have introduced a line of products specifically for deadbeats like us called Gifts To Go Pre-Wrapped Stocking Stuffers. If you’re cool with “pre-wrapped” meaning “packaged in a box that has a picture of the item, thus blowing the surprise,” then I highly recommend these gift ideas.

Specifically, the Easy Push Bottle Opener ($8), a neat little spring-loaded device that fits over a bottle top, then, when you press it, pops off the cap. Makes a fun little sound, too.

Gift No. 3: There is one sure-fire way to get on someone’s nice list: Get them something for their cat. Because then they can say: “Oh, look what the kitty got. You like your gift, don’t you, kitty? Oh, you like your new gift and you like the man who gave it to you. Can you say, ‘thank you’ to the nice man? You love the man, don’t you? You sure do!” People and their silly cat-speak, sheeesh.

The Cat’s Meow from CVS ($9.99) is the way to go. It looks like a life preserver with a stick in it. The stick moves around under the life-preserverlike unit, causing your cat to go into hysterics as he/she tries to pounce on it. Our cat loved it. “You sure do love that, don’t you, kitty? You like to play with the little stick? Look at the kitty play!”

Gift No. 4: Since hot dogs, taquitos and red velvet doughnuts might not make good stocking stuffers, you may think QuikTrip is a waste of time to find some Christmasy goodness. But then you would miss out on the Zipper Bag-Tennis Shoe by Solaray ($4.99).

It’s a little shoe that you don’t wear but unzip and put stuff in. A pocketbook shoe, if you will. It takes the place of your conventional and boring purse or wallet. It’s so weird that it makes perfect sense. Of COURSE, a pocketbook in the shape of a shoe is something that everyone would want! I’d hurry and get one, because after this story runs, there will be a mad dash to score one. Go! Now!

Gift No. 5: Forget the liquor and grocery stores. Get a bottle of wine at Walgreens. What’s that, you say — didn’t know Walgreens had such a vast wine collection? Me neither. Flabbergasted at the selection (I counted at least 20 bottles), I thought I’d test Walgreens employees’ wine knowledge, hahaha.

Me: “Hi. I need to get a bottle of wine but I know very little about it.”

Walgreens worker: “What kind of wine do they like?”

Taken aback when she didn’t just point at something, me: “Um, yeah, I think red.”

Walgreens employee, speaking clearly and intelligently about the bottle of 2013 Alamos Malbec ($8.99): “This is a really nice wine for meat — big steaks, a good burger. But it’s also good for sipping. It’s a little on the strong side but not overpoweringly so.”

Me: “I judged you, and I am sorry. I’ll take that one and a Kit Kat.”

Gift No. 6: The 8-in-1 Light-Up Screwdriver, available at RaceTrac ($8.99), features eight interchangeable screwdriver heads, along with a blindingly bright flashlight. This is a great item for men who like to fix things. This is also a great item for men who like to think they know how to fix things, like me.

We like to surround ourselves in cool gadgetry such as this, fueling our fantasies of repairing bathroom pipes, replacing car engines, leveling home foundations. This thing makes me forget that the only thing I’ll ever be able to fix is a grilled cheese sandwich.

Gift No. 7: Love’s Country Store, a truck stop on Interstate 35, is full of potential Christmas gifts: a pocketknife made from a real bullet; CB radios; a toy crossbow with fake deer. I was here for an hour, checking people on my wife’s side of the family off my list.

Even if they don’t want to go into the trucking profession, little boys will adore the Tool Master Big Rig ($14.99), a large toy truck that makes authentic Big Rig noises (batteries included!) and doubles as a toy tool box kit. The “tools” are for when the tires on the truck go bad and they have to be changed. Three spare tires are included. CDL and NoDoz are not.

Gift No. 8: Also found at Love’s: Adjustable Wild Wear earmuffs in Sock Monkey style ($9.99). They’re unisex and uni-age. My wife looked pretty cute in them.

Gift No. 9: Good signs that craft beers have crossed the threshold into mainstream America? A) They’re now carried at QuikTrip; B) They have their very own section at QuikTrip; and C) They have their very own sign at QuickTrip; it reads “Craft Beer.” Craft beer is now the Mumford & Sons of booze.

But love it we do, especially hometown brewery heroes Rahr & Sons. At the QT on the near south side, an area of town whose streets are paved in craft beer bottle caps, you can pick up a six-pack of R&S’ Texas Red Amber Lager ($9.99) from the “Craft Beer” section. Not only will the hipsters in your life love you, but everyone will.

Gift No. 10: When I was checking out at the Valero with my new I Jets sunglasses ($10.99), the woman behind me yelled, and I mean yelled, “I love those!” No doubt, we all have this woman in our lives — distant relative or bed-sharer, a person for whom these blingtastic/studerrific shades will light up not only her eyes but possibly her life.

If the excitement relayed from the woman behind me is any indication, you can find happiness in the oddest of places, even on aisle two at your local Valero.

This story was originally published December 23, 2014 at 3:20 PM with the headline "The ultimate procrastinator’s guide to Christmas Eve shopping."