Resist temptation to give others something to frown about

Dear Miss Manners: I would consider myself to be a good-humored, cheerful sort of person and enjoy smiling when I have cause to smile.

However, when I am intensely focused on accomplishing something difficult (either mentally or physically), I apparently fail to smile, which seems to be a sin in our society. This causes my fellow citizens (no doubt civic-minded) to admonish me to smile, accompanied by a perky smile of their own, which I admit to finding irksome in the extreme.

Could you offer advice on how to respond appropriately, particularly when said admonishment is issued in front of a group? I find if I ignore it, the admonishment continues, but fear a direct rejection of the order might “create a scene” (of which I have a near British-level aversion). And thus I typically comply with a weak smile, which ends the situation but invariably leaves me in a foul mood and, I fear, bit by bit, slowly destroys my soul.

Gentle Reader: You had Miss Manners’ sympathy that such admonitions are rude, and diminish rather than increase the level of civic concord. And you had her agreement on the weak smile as the correct response — up to the point where you suggested that a courteous reply would have unfortunate, and possibly eternal, consequences.

The hope in giving a weak smile (moving the mouth only slightly while the eyes simply stare) is that it will, over time, discourage your fellow citizens from repeating their behavior when they see it is unwelcome. It will not put a sudden and dramatic stop to that behavior. But responses that would create significantly more civic discord, if they do not carry jail time, should be avoided.

Dear Miss Manners: A relative let me know that she had purchased a present for me and asked when I would be able to pick it up.

My schedule has not yet allowed me to go to her town at a time when she is at home, and it is now well past the gift-giving occasion.

Is it up to the gift receiver to come and collect, or for the giver to send/deliver it? I feel she is getting irritated at my seeming lack of enthusiasm by not making time in my schedule to come to her.

Gentle Reader: Although she does not know your relative, Miss Manners has no trouble believing that your unwillingness is taken as a sign of lack of interest.

Nor does it surprise her that the would-be gift-giver has failed to notice her own lack of interest, as demonstrated by ordering something online (a guess) and then demanding the recipient travel to another town to take ownership.

Miss Manners has found that encouraging people to throw parties for themselves is both dangerous and unnecessary, and does not do so in this case. But you should propose some event, perhaps a dinner at your home, where the present can be received.

If it is for an event in your own life, a birthday, for example, perhaps there is a birthday in the relative’s part of the family that can be recognized at the same time.

This story was originally published February 9, 2017 at 1:06 PM with the headline "Resist temptation to give others something to frown about."