Proving to atheists everywhere there is a God, the 2017 NFL schedule has been released. We can now all adjust, modify and set our fall, winter and spring schedules.
This thing is D-O-N-E.
Sit down, New York Giants. Stay asleep Philadelphia Eagles. And the Washington Redskins? Just keep doing what you do.
After an in-depth analysis of the the Dallas Cowboys’ 2017 schedule, it’s easy to conclude the team will finish 16-0. This is how it’s going down:
Sept. 10. vs. New York Giants
Three weeks before kickoff to the season, Giants quarterback Eli Manning sells a “2017 season-opening game-worn jersey” on Ebay for $7,824.35. He is busted by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and suspended for the first two series of this first game.
The Cowboys take advantage as safety Jeff Heath intercepts a pair of Josh Johnson passes in the end zone and returns both for touchdowns. He high-steps the last 40 yards of the second INT for a 14-0 first-quarter lead.
Final score: Cowboys 33, Giants 12
Sept. 17 at Denver Broncos
Broncos quarterback Paxton Lynch says he wants revenge on the Cowboys for failing to trade to acquire him in the 2016 NFL draft, but throws a pair of picks to Heath.
Ezekiel Elliott runs for 134 yards, two touchdowns, and flashes his Dallas Cowboys’ logo bong on the sideline. After the game he apologizes and promises to make better decisions.
Final score: Cowboys 24, Broncos 13
Sept. 25 at Cardinals
Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer will be a game-time decision; the previous week against the Colts, his helmet came off and he was hit by three Colts defensive players in the face. Fifteen seconds before kickoff against the Cowboys, Palmer passes the concussion protocol test.
But he still throws a pair of interceptions to Heath.
Dak Prescott proclaims before the game he will destroy Cardinals corners Patrick Peterson and Honey Badger, and throws for a franchise-record 614 yards on 14 completions.
Final score: Cowboys 27, Cardinals 20
Oct. 1 vs. St. Louis Rams
In honor of friend-of-the-media Adam “Pacman” Jones: “It’s the Rams, dude.”
Final score: Cowboys 47, Rams 3
Oct. 8 vs. Green Bay Packers
With Olivia Munn sitting in Jerry Jones’ suite, as well as all of Aaron Rodgers’ family, Heath intercepts Rodgers three times and forces a strip sack and returns it for a touchdown.
Final score: Cowboys 23, Packers 5
Oct. 16 BYE
TMZ cameras film Dak Prescott, runnning back Ezekiel Elliott, tight end Jason Witten and former Cowboys linebacker Bobby Carpenter all on a banana boat in the waters of Cabo.
Oct. 22 at San Francisco 49ers
New 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan catches the Cowboys disinterested, and his team leads 31-3 going into the fourth quarter. Rather than sit on the lead, Shanahan elects to “do what we do” and be aggressive. Led by Heath’s four fourth-quarter interceptions, the Cowboys rally to win in overtime.
Final score: Cowboys 32, 49ers 31
Oct. 29 at Washington Redskins
Having to play on opposite coasts on consecutive weekends catches up with the Cowboys. Elliott misses the flight, but Dez Bryant turns Redskins cornerback Josh Norman into a mute.
Bryant catches eight passes for 331 yards and four touchdowns, two coming immediately after Heath interceptions of Kirk Cousins’ passes from inside the Cowboys’ 5-yard line.
Final score: Cowboys 36, Redskins 18
Nov. 5 vs. Kansas City Chiefs
This is a CBS telecast, and new No. 1 color analyst Tony Romo asks to do this game next to Jim Nantz. Cowboys safety Heath blocks a punt, a field goal, and returns an onside kick attempt 55 yards for the game-winning score.
Before going to commercial break, Romo can be heard saying to the producers, “Find me that shot where Dak throws the paper cup on the ground and doesn’t throw it in the trash.”
Final score: Cowboys 24, Chiefs 21
Nov. 12 at Atlanta Falcons
Two weeks before this game, the roof at new Mercedes Benz Stadium in downtown Atlanta collapses during a Justin Bieber concert, ending the performer’s career. The city immediately approves a new, $3.5 billion taxpayer-funded stadium to be built directly next to Mercedes Benz Stadium in two years.
Because of scheduling conflicts, the only available stadium is the StubHub Center in Carson, Calif., meaning the Chargers will have to return to San Diego for one week.
The Falcons lead 34-24 with 13 seconds remaining, but Heath returns a kick 87 yards for a touchdown, and scores on the game’s final play on an onside kick attempt for the win.
Final score: Cowboys 37, Falcons 34
Nov. 19 Philadelphia Eagles
In pursuit of Eric Dickerson’s single-season rushing record, Elliott runs for 302 yards and one touchdown. Heath intercepts Carson Wentz just once in a game where the second-year QB completes 45 passes for 98 yards.
Final score: Cowboys 27, Eagles 9
Nov. 23 vs. L.A. Chargers
With Tony Romo again in the booth on Thanksgiving, rumors are circulating that Jessica Simpson is single and now dating Dak Prescott, who recently broke off his relationship with Carrie Underwood.
To date, Prescott has not thrown an interception and has a passer rating of 168.3, which is a full 10 points higher than mathematically possible. He’s also saved three old ladies crossing the street, two marriages and prevented a Euless bank from collapsing.
The Cowboys continue their perfect season as Heath sacks Philip Rivers three times and forces two fumbles.
Before coming back from a commercial break, Romo can be heard asking his producer, “Enough! Find me that shot where Dak throws the paper cup on the ground and doesn’t throw it in the trash!”
Nov. 30 vs. Washington Redskins
Frustrated with another losing season, Redskins owner Dan Snyder calls plays from the owner’s box. The first 10 plays result in one touchdown, one Heath interception and the successful merger with a company that takes cute sea animals away from their mothers and sells them to theme parks.
Heath has three sacks, and there is no answer for Elliott, who rushes for 245 yards — all in the first half. Dak and Zeke take Jerry Jones’ private plane home at halftime.
Final score: Cowboys 24, Redskins 7
Dec. 10 at New York Giants
Once again, the best game of the season as the teams come out in a driving blizzard. The teams combine for total of seven completions, yet somehow Prescott finishes the game with a perfect passer rating.
Against the wind, kicker Dan Bailey hits a 74-yard field goal as time expires.
Final score: Cowboys 3, Giants 0
Dec. 17 at Las Vegas Raiders
Running back Marshawn Lynch plays for the first time since Week 2 when he strained his vocal cords in an emotional interview where he admits his public persona is an act; he admits he ain’t ’bout action, reads Nietszche, hates video games, and graduated with a classics degree from Berkeley.
Heath knocks Lynch out of the game on his second carry with a brutal hit at the line of scrimmage, and Prescott throws for four touchdowns. Witten leaves the game with total kidney failure, but returns for the second half.
Final score: Cowboys 24, Raiders 10
Dec. 24 vs. Seattle Seahawks
Having not been traded before the season, Richard Sherman of the Seahawks is matched against Bryant. After Dez catches a 15-yard touchdown pass in the first half, Sherman immediately retires from the NFL and replaces Romo as CBS’s No. 1 NFL analyst.
Heath intercepts a pass, and laterals it to Tank Lawrence, who runs 34 yards for a touchdown. Zeke breaks Eric Dickerson’s NFL single-season rushing record, and says after the game he is going to New Orleans to celebrate.
Final score: Cowboys 21, Seahawks 16
Dec. 31 at Philadelphia Eagles
For the second time in as many years, the Cowboys close out the year in Philly with a meaningless regular season game. Having been replaced by Richard Sherman in the CBS booth next to Nantz, Romo un-retires to play one more game for the Cowboys in relief of Prescott.
As Romo throws a touchdown to Terrance Williams, Prescott is in the stands reviving an Eagles fan from a heart attack. Once the man is OK, Prescott hands the man $10,000 in cash, throws away some trash, and then returns to the sideline to help Romo finish a game in which Heath sets the NFL record with 36 interceptions.
After his throw to T-Will, Romo trips on his own feet and suffers a separated right shoulder. But Dak is there to pop the shoulder back into place.
Final score: Cowboys 28, Eagles 14
That’s how it’s going down.
(Two weeks later, the Cowboys lose in the divisional round at home against the Green Bay Packers on a last second, 105-yard touchdown pass from Aaron Rodgers.)