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Fans' Insider: Michael Phelps is right on schedule

It only seems like Michael Phelps is winning every swimming medal over in Beijing. I know that’s not the case, however, because I watched a race the other day in which Phelps won only the gold and silver medals.

Phelps definitely is a busy man these days. Of course, one reason he’s so busy is because journalists from all around the world keep asking him how busy he is.

So, to help out my friends in the worldwide media, I asked Phelps to e-mail me what a typical day at the Olympics is like for him. Here’s the breakdown:

Wake up. Pull framed Mark Spitz picture off nightstand and rub it for good luck.

Flip over in bed. Kick feet off headboard to get out of bed.

Shave body. It’s a dry shave. I’m tired of water.

Eat energy bar for breakfast.

Report poolside. Ask official which event this is.

Set world record in prelims. Step out of pool and be interviewed by Andrea Kremer. When she asks whether I contemplated conserving energy instead of breaking the world record, I tell her I was conserving energy.

Warm down.

Warm up.

Report poolside for finals of next event. Ask official which event this is. Realize I’m not in this event. Jump in anyway, break world record and win gold medal.

Get out of pool and be interviewed by Andrea.

Warm down.

Go back to my room to relax. Turn on NBC and see one of my events being broadcast “LIVE.” Panic briefly before realizing it’s the event I just won and I’m not missing anything.

See equestrian events on TV. Go to Internet to look up results so I won’t have to keep watching.

While on Internet, look at the medal standings to see how many nations have fewer medals than me.

Shave.

Walk over to window to enjoy the sights. Wonder why they gave us rooms with frosted windows. Realize windows aren’t frosted. Decide to avoid outdoors as much as possible until I’m finished competing.

Wonder where Azerbaijan is.

Decide to walk over to the cafeteria for a light meal. Put on my state-of-the-art swim suit so I can get to the cafeteria faster.

Arrive at the cafeteria and — of course — be the first in line.

Read my Olympic bio while eating and wonder who thought it would be a good idea to include that I once put hand soap in the dishwasher and wound up with suds all over the floor.

Return to room and take a power nap.

Dream about life after the Olympics. I go without shaving and eat chili cheese dogs and cheese fries for the entire first week.

Wake up.

Shave.

Head back over to swim venue.

Warm up.

Report poolside for finals of next event.

Get off to great start. Stop at the far end of the pool and ask an official the distance of this race. Dive back in and finish race. Break world record and win gold medal.

Get out of pool and be interviewed by Andrea.

Warm down.

Return poolside and watch the end of the race I just won.

Leave swim venue.

On way back to room, stop to photocopy my gold medal from the 4x100 free relay, then go over to where the French team is staying and slide the copy under the door of Alain Bernard.

Arrive at my room.

Text Ian Thorpe just to make sure he knows I’ve won another medal.

Check cellphone messages.

Call Kobe Bryant back. Leave message telling him, “Thanks for the invitation, but I don’t have time to hang out with you.”

Call Bill Parcells back. Leave message telling him, “Thanks for the invitation, but I don’t think I’ll be able to teach my ’Dolphin kick’ to your kickers.”

Text Thorpe again just to make sure he received my last text.

Text Jason Lezak another thank-you note.

Take a bath. (When I speak at elementary schools, the most common question I’m asked is whether swimming counts the same as taking a bath. It doesn’t.)

Shave.

Step out of bathtub and be interviewed by Andrea Kremer.

Out of habit, warm down.

Pick up gold medal for my bath.

Go to bed.

Use my tremendous wingspan to turn out the lights while in bed.

Close my eyes and count my medals until I fall asleep.

David Thomas’ sports humor column appears Wednesdays and Sundays.

David Thomas, 817-390-7760

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