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The Dream Team: Movie edition

The U.S. men’s basketball team is sort of distancing itself from its Dream Team moniker. Continually flopping in international events will do that. But we’re not giving up on the dream. Here’s our Dream Team: Movie Edition. It’s our picks of the most dominant fictional basketball players in cinematic history.

Starting lineup

C Neon Bordeaux (Shaquille O’Neal), Blue Chips

He’s a dominant force under the basket. Now if he could only pass those pesky entrance exams. And, by the way, he doesn’t even want that Lexus you offered him to join the team. He’s just playing for the love of the game.

PF Fletch (Chevy Chase), Fletch

At 6-foot-5, and 6-9 with the afro, Fletch was an overlooked cog in the Lakers’ Showtime teams of the ’80s. As Chick Hearn would say, “$4 million dollars a year, that’s true, but he earns every nickel of it.”

SF Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valainis), Hoosiers

He shoots an estimated 80 percent from the floor and he’s as loyal as they come. He leads by example.

SG Teen Wolf (Michael J. Fox), Teen Wolf

He’s a bit of a ball hog. But who cares? With his glowing eyes and a menacing growl, he can always clear a path to the lane for uncontested layups and dunks.

PG Butch McRae (Anfernee Hardaway), Blue Chips

It’s easy to question his commitment with all the times he wants to go home, but it’s hard to question his game. He can pass. He can score. But why can’t he act?


F Jackie Moon (Will Ferrell), Semi-Pro

He’s a bruiser who doesn’t mind posting up and kicking the ball back out so he can post up again. He’s also an innovator credited with the creation of the alley-oop. And he can handle the promotional side of the games, too.

F Ricky Roe (Matt Nover), Blue Chips

A sharp shooter who comes cheap. All he’ll cost is a bag of money and a tractor.

F Clarence “Coffee” Black (Andre Benjamin), Semi-Pro

He’s a strong finisher. He’s the ideal recipient of alley-oop passes.

F Moses Guthrie (Julius Erving), The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh

We’re going to go ahead and assume that he played at least a small part in saving Pittsburgh. That takes talent.

G Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes), White Men Can’t Jump

Brash, trash talker brings an edge, and an ability to score in bunches, to the team. But would he rather look good than win?

G Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson), White Men Can’t Jump

Flashy passer and playmaker doesn’t look the part. But he sure can hustle. He can even dunk if the conditions are perfect.

G Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen), He Got Game

If Jesus could handle the offense from Jill Kelly and Chasey Lain, he can handle anyone on the court.

Coaching staff

Coach: Norman Dale (Gene Hackman)

With so many superstars on one team, someone has to keep them focused on the fundamentals. We could have a problem, though. Is Teen Wolf really going to wait four passes before taking a shot? If not, Coach Dale is willing to play 4-on-5.

Assistant: Wilbur “Shooter” Flatch (Dennis Hopper)

Excellent scout. He knows everything you need to know to beat Cedar Knob in the event it qualifies for the Olympics. Offensive mastermind can help install plays such as the Picket Fence. Just keep him away from the bottle.

Assistant: Pete Bell (Nick Nolte)

The gravelly voice. The ability to punt a basketball 50 yards. Coach Bell has it all, including a massive NCAA investigation on his hands.