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Cupcakes for everybody, Dallas Cowboys guaranteed to win

Judging by Coach Wade’s self-proclaimed undefeated record in bye weeks, we have reason to celebrate this weekend.

Cowboys win. Cowboys don’t stink. Cowboys not dead yet.

And seeing how this victory is all but guaranteed, a game ball already is en route from Owner Jones to Coach Wade, start going crazy now. Champagne and cupcakes for everybody.

Or, if Cowboys jubilee seems a little forced in light of recent events, join me in celebrating the relaunch of my not-quite-weekly mailbag.

Call this a place for you to vent about my ventings or just rant in general or ask questions, and really all questions are fine. How did Coach Cupcake came about? What to buy your wife for her birthday? Or even, why I am an idiot?

So let’s crack open another mailbag and celebrate together.

Jen, I’ve read 2 of your articles in the past few weeks and I have come to one conclusion. You're an idiot. … We all know the Cowboys are the best team in the division. They have better talent, better playmakers, and we all just look better! Your a dumb writer and you should probably find another job. You know what? … It doesn’t even matter, I’m wasting my time even replying to that insult you call an article because when it comes December and the playoffs are looming why don’t you print this out and hang it on your little cubicle and mark my words because you will see that the once 20th-power ranked Cowboys are steamrolling their way through teams … Dallas is too good to stay this bad. So please put that in your pipe and smoke it.

— Nicolas Neece

LBOH: Apparently, sir, you have done enough pipe smoking for both of us. I have printed your email and taped it in my little cubicle, for when I am down and needing laughs.

Good story on Romo. How about this to distinguish between the Roy Willamses … O-Roy=#11, d-Roy=the other guy. Note the lower case d for this one.

— David Simpson, Marshall

LBOH: Good news, David, we really only have to deal with this problem until his broken forearm heals. At which point his butt is going to be bounced.

O ye drive-by media . . . Oh, sorry. Hello, Mrs. Engel. Re: your column of 11-4-08. Harrell winning the Heisman Trophy would be OK with me; however, I wouldn’t necessarily be ‘proud’ of such a turn of events. One question: Did you really intend to use the word TRUST when you wrote ‘You hear a lot of NFL scouts say they do not really trust Tech players because of it (i.e. Mike Leach's system)’?

— D.R. Grundy, Fort Worth

LBOH: I meant trust, in the do-not-trust-what-they-see kind of way not the can’t-be-left-alone-with-small-kids version. I have had a couple of scouts tell me that Tech players, as well as Texas players, have scarred them scared on draft day. And really, after Ced Benson, can anybody blame them?

Marion Barber can’t run straight into a defensive wall, meaning up the middle, without good blocking. But Dallas persists in running straight into the line with no results. The only time Barber is effective right now is if he gets outside. He had limited success against the NY Giants but predictable play-calling has done him in as well. In fact, since the Redskins game when Garrett was criticized for not running enough, it feels like he went several games in which he ran too much — especially on first down and second down. Watch the several games right after the Redskins game, especially in the first half. 1st Almost like he over-compensated and went with the pendulum the other way.

— Michael Turner, Va.

LBOH: Just so I’m clear, Jason Garrett is to blame for T.O. not being able to get open and Brad Johnson being awful, and now he’s to blame for an offensive line incapable of creating holes and for Marion Barber needing a Robin to his Batman. Or is he Robin? Sorry, I just do not buy that The Redheaded Genius is the only problem, just a problem and frankly I expect better of him.

Hey ‘Little Ball of Hate!’ First time emailer. Normally love your stuff, but I have to disagree with you on this. I've always been against voting for a system QB and thus I think Harrell (who I do believe is a quality QB) shouldn’t win the Heisman. I’d rather Crabtree win it (though I still think Colt should get the nod...especially if Texas wins the Big 12 South). Honestly, I can't see Tech beating OU in Norman, and I could easily see this game as Harrell’s downfall. In order for Harrell to even have a shot, I think Tech has to run the table, which isn’t going to happen.

— J. Turner Thornton

LBOH: What does “system quarterback” actually mean? Because what seems to be implied is that any tallish dude with a semi-OK arm could do what Graham Harrell is doing. Which is just not true, just watch the final 83 seconds of the Texas game.

You may have pulled out the anointing oil way too early for Jason Garett. Redheaded Genius? You rushed in with that one right out of the starting gate, but it’s starting to sound a bit hollow now. It’s a characteristic (or weakness) of Sportswriter types to come up with catchy nicknames. Will this one come back on ya?

— Mark Dickerson, Albuquerque

LBOH: Weakness, for sure. And I’m nervous RHG may blow up in my face. For clarification, though, I feel like I need to mention that Red Jesus is a Mr. Randy creation.

Only one person deserves your scorn, and it’s not Wade. Ask yourself 3 questions and if you still say Wade … you need to turn in your laptop and go to work for Jerry.

1) who hired ALL the coaches?

2) who drafted and traded for and signed as free agents ALL the players?

3) who makes ALL the decisions @ Valley Ranch?

It sure as heck ain’t Wade Phillips, try YOUR hero the Heath Ledger-Joker looking Jerry Jones. He is one who has doomed this team to NEVER see a Super Bowl (without hosting it).

— John Olthoff

LBOH: Wow, Owner Jones plays a role in Cowboy problems, really? And you figured this out? All by yourself? Who knew? Oh, everybody. And what I tell all of them is … he’s not going anywhere. So the Cowboys can either do nothing or at least clean up one of his mistakes by dumping Coach Cupcake.

I honestly think this Cowboy season is worse (given the expectations coming in) than any season under Campo or Gailey. Yes, we are now back to THOSE days . . . a laughingstock underachieving team with a Cupcake Coach . . . a team without a clue . . . and WHY are these Cowboys so inept and clueless? Why are they the most penalized team in the NFL? Why is there no passion? Why does this team have no heart?  Who drafted and signed this heartless group of slugs?  Why is there no accountability?  Who thought Brad Johnson was a viable option as a backup QB in this league?  Who is the coach who can’t light a fire under these guys’ butts for anything?  Who is the GM who hired this coach?  Yeah, the Campo-Gailey days are here again. Man, do I miss The Great Jimmy.

— Ron Morgan

LBOH: So many good questions, so few answers. What I know for sure is I believe in trickle-down footballenomics with said problems all starting with Owner Jones, then Coach Cupcake and trickling down to play performance.

Undisciplined, gutless, losers.

— Phil Olson, Keller

LBOH: Uhm, wow, tell us how you really feel, Phil? And then everybody else, tell me where he’s wrong?

Jen, you are close.  But Wade shouldn’t be fired — he should be given the Tony Sparano treatment. Wade should be demoted to the job he does well — defensive coordinator.

— Douglas Weil, Nyon, Switzerland

LBOH: I think we have stumbled upon why the Swiss have a reputation as peacemakers and problem solvers. You have presented a genius solution to a huge problem. Owner Jones keeps his defensive coordinator and loses his Cupcake Coach. I love it.