The Rangers are tied for the best record in baseball, have two All-Star selections, and are making inroads at creating new fan bases in all sorts of inventive locales, up to and including jail. Michael Lewis is in the Tarrant County Jail on a charge of criminal trespassing and he wants to get this letter Jeff Banister.
Lewis, 46, sent a handwritten note to the Star-Telegram in hopes that I would pass it along to the manager of the Texas Rangers.
“And if you really want to score big points, send a paper,” Lewis writes. “When I get free, I’ll pay you back.”
Never miss a local story.
Michael is obviously unaware of the financial state of newspapers these days; I’m a little disappointed we didn’t charge him a $5 “letter-opening convenience fee.”
Lewis writes, “Coach Banister — you don’t know me from Adam, or Eve, so allow me to introduce myself. Just me, a proud [bleep] Rangers fan. As Kenny Rogers said, ‘Sometimes you gotta fight when UR a man.’ And, boy, do you ever have a man playing 2B. He ain’t no Coward of the County. Who the [bleep] wants to hang out with a coward? [Bleep] no.”
Michael then draws comparisons between the facial hair of Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor and Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista to the King of the Jungle.
“The male (lions) have a dark beard ... not like that [bleep] Bautista,” Lewis writes. “That lion has an ODOR beard — smells like beast, right! You think the lions at the zoo stand in front of the mirror like Joey Bats for two hours a day making their beard is perfectly trim? Hell, no.”
Don’t dismiss this. It sounds ridiculous but Michael does have a valid point — how often do the lions at the Fort Worth Zoo stand in front of a mirror trimming their beards? Not often. At least not the lions who are good at their jobs.
“Pride is a son of a beach when it pays back — so 4 the rest of his life, he will have to known as the dumb [guy] who tried to put a cleat in the crotch of your Odor,” he writes. “Boy, don’t mess with pride — trimming that beard — what a prima donna! Must be from Canada. Not an American. Especially not a Texan.”
“Do me a favor, send Odor around to all the Tejano clubs and tell them to vote Trump or he will knock [them] out,” Lewis writes.
Given the unique tenor of this current election cycle no one should rule out any perspective campaign strategy, including Rougned Odor going to nightclubs and punching people in the face in an effort to gain support for Mr. Trump; it’s gonna be great.
“And these [bleep] in the jail thought they could surround me at my bunk and kick my [butt]. Really!” Lewis writes. “I told the whole gang, ‘You can get everyone in this [bleep], and I’ll take Jesus to kick all of your [butts].’ Boy, you could have heard a pin drop.
“There Kenny goes, interrupting my letter. But I do love his duet with Dolly (Parton), Islands in the Stream. And boy, Dolly Parton, biggest tease in the history of mankind. No centerfolds, no secret pics, no Internet selfies, nothing. Just our imagination.
“So it’s rotation time here in my cell. I get 1-2 hours a day to walk the day room, rec’ time, shower, etc. Your rotation’s going real well lately, huh? Got that Darvish-Hamels thing going. Sha-izzle my drizzle! Send my broke [butt] some tickets would you? First I need to get out of this (place). Didn’t do a damn thing, I mean — who in this jail is guilty, right?”
“Always remember, there is no ‘I’ in Team. But there an M and an E, so put ME in the ballgame coach and get me the [bleep] outta this jail. They want me to take meds, really. What would you say 2 a doctor if he came to your dugout during the brawl and said, ‘You know Odor is mentally ill; he needs meds.’ You would say, ‘Get the [bleep] outta my face, Doc; we love him just the way he is.’ Music to my ears.
“I can’t wait to get some music during my rotation. Have to turn on the TV and a music station. Boy, did my Father bless me last night — I got to see a little Miss USA contest — sha bang.”
Good news — Miss United Nations is this month.
The next few paragraphs prove ... modestly stated, Michael likes women. A lot.
“When is the last time a dog made you dinner? Don’t mess with those kittens. They are purrfect gold! ... a little Vicky Secrets may be needed,” he writes. “What a genius — who came up with Vicky Secrets — make him President!
“Thank you for your time.
“Best wishes — Michael.
“P.S. Tell your pitchers don’t walk anyone. Odor chomping at the bit 4 another chance 2 KO another prima donna!”
God Bless Texas.
Listen to Mac Engel every Tuesday and Thursday on Shan & RJ from 5:30-10 a.m. on 105.3 The Fan.