'Fat little girlfriends’ might be trick-or-treaters

By DAVID THOMAS

dthomas@star-telegram.com

Putting on our Sunday best …

Ollie the Optimist brought his son by Saturday night to trick or treat. "Little Ollie," I said, "your candy bag is half-empty." "No, Mr. Insider," he replied, "it’s half-full."

Somehow, I don’t think Texas Tech coach Mike Leach’s comments about his players’ "fat little girlfriends" is going to attract more recruits to Lubbock.

DeMarcus Ware agreed to a six-year, $78 million contract extension on Sunday morning, then went out and tied his season high with two sacks against the Atlanta Falcons. Just to show you what a quality guy Ware is, consider that a performance like that would have had most players asking for another raise.

I brought this up after the Dallas Cowboys of Arlington’s second home game and some of you scoffed, but it proved true again last week: In the history of Cowboys Stadium, attendance has dropped for every Cowboys game.

During the Cowboys-Falcons game, did you see the late afternoon sun glaring through the world’s largest glass doors and into players’ eyes? Looks like the Cowboys need to set the record for the world’s largest Venetian blinds.

We had a trick-or-treater dressed as DeMarcus Ware come by our house. I made that kid pay for his candy.

So the Dallas Mavericks start the season at home by losing to the Washington Wizards, then go on the road and beat the defending NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers by 14 points. Yep, it’s going to be another one of those seasons for the Mavs.

Bruce Hornsby played the national anthem on the piano before the Mavs’ home opener, then the Mavs went out and shot 39.5 percent, including only 22.2 percent on 3-pointers. Like Hornsby, the Mavs didn’t have their "Range."

Terrell Owens denies that he has lost a step. I agree. I would say he has lost two steps.

I answered the doorbell Saturday night, and there were two trick-or-treaters, one dressed as a Horned Frog, one as a Longhorn. I gave ’em both candy. The little Longhorn started complaining, saying the Horned Frog didn’t belong on the same porch as him.

If I owned a burger joint, I’d strike a deal with TCU to sell "Jeremy Kerley fries."

Bud Selig said he is glad to have Mark McGwire rejoin baseball as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting instructor. Selig and McGwire make an interesting combination. One lives in the past, one won’t talk about the past.

Speaking of hitting instructors, Rusty Greer is one of four finalists for that position with the Texas Rangers. I say don’t bring Rusty back as a hitting instructor — bring him back as a hitter!

And then we had a trick-or-treater show up dressed as a Florida Gator. Turns out he was an SEC ref.

After the Philadelphia Phillies won Game 1 of the World Series, I really started rooting for them to sweep the New York Yankees. It’s not that I dislike the Yankees, it’s just that I did not want more than four games of Tim McCarver.

Cleveland Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan said Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler’s arm is so strong he could "throw a strawberry through a battleship." Of course, as Bears fans know, Cutler’s problem is that he keeps throwing the strawberry toward the wrong battleship.

One time Saturday night, I heard "Trick or Treat" and opened the door to see a kid who didn’t seem to be dressed up as anything. I asked about his costume and he said that he is what he is.

Follow sports humor columnist David Thomas on Twitter @FansInsider.

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