Slimy James has proved he's ready to be a senator

12/19/2011 11:10 PM

02/21/2013 12:56 AM

Craig James is a Texan who believes America can be great again.

I agree.

He sees things happening around our country that I don't want happening in the state of Texas.

I also agree, starting with Senator Craig James.

On Monday the former partner in crime that comprised one half of The Pony Express made it official that he will run for a U.S. Senate seat in the great state of Texas. Because what Washington D.C. lacks right now is a good ol' boy who knows how to work a system for his own personal benefit.

Two quick pieces of advice for the Republican hopeful who wants Kay Bailey Hutchinson's post:

1. Memorize everything Ronald Reagan ever said and quote him whenever possible.

2. Avoid Lubbock on the whistle-stop tour.

Laugh off Mr. James' political ambitions if you must, but he has all the makings of becoming a top political candidate, which says everything you need to know about our current political state.

Craig James is qualified to be a United States senator because:

Craig James is a celebrity.

In 2011, fame is a virtue and Craig James knows how to be famous. He was a football player, which makes him famous, which makes him qualified to do everything up to and including brain surgery.

Craig James has no political experience. As GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney likes to say, "I've worked in the private sector" before he was governor of Massachusetts, where he created approximately 9.4 billion jobs.

James has also worked in the private sector. Between his semi-professional career as a running back at SMU, and full-professional career as an NFL running back for the New England Patriots, James knows what it is like to work for a living just like the rest of us.

Craig James knows how to take money, not get busted, and deflect any and all culpability.

Of the many talents James will bring to Washington, this makes him the most qualified. This is a talent that reaches across party lines.

James was a member of the well-paid Pony Express football team during the '80s that helped earn the SMU football program the death penalty. What happened to Craig James? Nothing, which is exactly what makes him qualified to become a senator.

Technically, SMU student athletes were not allowed by the NCAA to receive extra benefits (i.e. cash payments) in return for a few touchdowns against Texas.

Technically, U.S. senators should not be receiving extra benefits (i.e. campaign "support") in return for favorable legislation.

James smiles and laughs off the whole SMU thing because, hey, everybody was doing it.

Kinda like elected officials leveraging their office for personal gain. Hey, everybody does it.

Craig James is pretty.

We worship the attractive, and the 50-year-old James has still got it.

Boyish dimples. Bone-white teeth smile. Sky-blue eyes. As he liked to show us during ESPN Thursday night college football telecasts when he wore T-shirts tucked into his short shorts during a workout, he is still in very good shape.

Craig James has fantastic hair.

Between James, Romney, Rick Perry and Michele Bachman, the GOP battle for the Hair Care lobby will be vicious.

Craig James knows how to take his opponents on head-on -- with a PR firm.

When James' son, Adam, was involved in the high-profile dismissal of Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach in 2009, Craig reportedly hired a PR firm to flood the media with negative reports about Leach.

Craig James knows the media.

A critical talent in today's 24-hour news cycle, one could easily envision CSPAN televising James standing on the Senate floor filibustering against Boise State getting into another BCS game.

After his playing career ended, James started his own media company to help educate and train former athletes for a life in front of the camera. The man knows not only what looks good on camera, but what sounds good.

James offered up this winner on ESPN in 2009 when Tech suspended Leach: "We have the utmost confidence that Ruffin McNeill this week down at the Alamo Bowl will do a great job with this team. Everybody's excited about that."

James said this with a straight face.

Craig James knows how to remain employed despite a clear conflict of interest.

Even though James was personally pursuing and financing a beef against Leach, he persuaded his employers at ESPN to let him keep his job as a college football analyst. That speaks to James' abilities of persuasion.

This is a small sampling of the many talents James will bring to Washington.

America can be great again, I just don't know how it's going to be much different with Craig James as a senator.

Mac Engel, 817-380-7760

Twitter @MacEngelProf

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