Fans' Insider: Not much for David Stern to do these days

07/05/2011 11:34 PM

07/06/2011 8:41 AM

David Stern is NBA commissioner and his league is in a lockout. The owners and players are about as far apart on the issues as they could possibly be. All speculation points to a long lockout with a large number of games lost, if not an entire season.

How does Stern spend his day?

That's what we wanted to know, so we tapped into some inside sources within the NBA offices to put together this timeline of how the Commish spent his Tuesday:

7:57 a.m.: Arrives at his office. Pulls out a Sharpie and adds a fifth line to the lockout day count on his office wall.

8:04: Calls players union boss Billy Hunter and threatens that if players don't agree to a contract within the next seven days, he'll bring back the microfiber basketball. "That'll get their attention," he says as he hangs up the phone.

8:11: Books an all-inclusive Caribbean vacation for early December.

8:48: Receives a text photo from Mark Cuban of him still holding the championship trophy.

9:03: Goes to NBA.com, calls up players' pages and laughs every time he sees each one's picture has been replaced by a team logo.

9:40: Considers how a man his height wound up commissioner of a league with men so tall.

9:43: Texts NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and asks why he had to make the public relations move of taking a $1 salary because his league went into a lockout. "No way I'm doing that," he mutters.

10:05: Calls up his Wikipedia page and reads this line: "He is credited with increasing the popularity of the NBA in the 1990s and 2000s." Makes note to ask his PR staff how he can go in and add the 2010s to that.

10:47: Watches Cleveland Cavaliers' 2010-11 season highlights.

10:48: Sends anonymous e-mail to LeBron James and Dwyane Wade reminding them that while teams are banned from pursuing free agents during the lockout, it's perfectly acceptable for players to recruit free agents. Wink, wink.

11:13: Receives another text photo from Cuban of him still holding the championship trophy.

11:19: Flips over to NBA TV. Wonders why anyone would watch this during the off-season.

11:24: Leaves for long lunch.

1:12 p.m.: Returns from lunch and calls Hunter again to threaten that if players don't agree to a contract within the next 14 days, he's going to contract a team and bring in the Harlem Globetrotters.

1:18: Wonders who would win a game between the Washington Wizards and Washington Generals.

1:20: Watches Casey Anthony verdict like everyone else.

1:48: Checks out lawjobs.com to see what's out there just in case this lockout does drag on for a long time.

2:15: Releases a little tension by throwing darts at his Tim Donaghy dart board.

2:27: Goes onto the Amazon.com page for Donaghy's book and: 1.) writes a 1-star review ripping it; 2.) buys the 45 available copies so he can burn them.

2:45: Receives another text photo from Cuban of him still holding the championship trophy.

2:58: Reminds himself that even though he is commissioner of a league that might never play another game, it could be worse: He could be commissioner of the NHL.

3:02: With a little spare time on his hands, finally gets around to returning MLB commissioner Bud Selig's call requesting a job reference regarding Cuban.

3:13: With a little spare time on his hands, downloads Angry Birds on his phone and gives it a try.

4:01: Realizes there is a silver lining in the lockout cloud: less Stephen A. Smith.

4:05: Tweets a picture of himself planking on his desk.

4:15: With nothing else to do, calls it a day.

Find sports humor columnist David Thomas on Facebook by searching for "Fans' Insider," and follow him on Twitter @FansInsider.

David Thomas, 817-390-7760

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