What’s the best relationship to have with your child’s teachers?

By BUZZ McCLAIN

 Special to the Star-Telegram

How many times have you heard this:

"My teacher hates me."

"My teacher is mean."

"My teacher is mean and hates everybody."

Children bring a lot home from school besides homework — they provide impassioned information as to what is going on in their classroom, good and bad, and that insight shapes a parent’s attitude toward the teacher well before the first face-to-face conference. At this point in the school year, your child either loves, respects and responds to his or her teacher or continues to dislike, distrust or fear him. Because you love your child, you want to believe him, and you want to fix the problem if there is one.

But how? And, a better question, should you?

We asked teachers, administrators and education specialists to describe the ideal parent-teacher relationship and how to maintain it. Here are some things to consider when working with your children’s instructors.

Meet the teacher early. Students usually base their opinions of their new teachers on the opinions of older students, which is why there’s often dread in the household at summer’s end when the child discovers their next teacher is "that mean one nobody likes." School systems have open houses, back-to-school nights and parent-teacher conferences before school opens and shortly thereafter. Make a point to attend them. This is where you formulate your own first impression of the teacher. She might not be so mean after all.

Reveal personal details. When you have a moment with the teacher be sure to discuss your child’s personality — outgoing or shy? Organized or scattered? — and the status of the household — do they get along with siblings? Is there a recent divorce? This information will help the teacher develop a background for your child.

But keep problems private. A meet-the-teacher night, with a gaggle of parents waiting for a first word with the teacher, "is not the time to unload all the dirty laundry," says Matt Cook, who teaches fifth grade at Trinity Meadows Intermediate in Keller. "You’re airing it in front of people who may not need any of that business, but now they know, because they overheard the conversation. The professional thing is to stop the parent and say because of privacy, we need to go over this at another time."

Learn to trust the teacher. An effective parent-teacher relationship consists of "good dialogue, open communication and a sense of trust, and I don’t think that happens overnight," says Cook, an 11-year veteran of teaching. "Over time, if they believe I’m doing the best job I can and have their child’s best interest truly at heart, I think it goes a long way. We’re not going to agree on everything, but in the end, we have to be able to trust each other."

Listen to your child, but be skeptical. And don’t feed their anger. "The worst situation is just to complain to the child and foment some sort of revolution against the teacher," says Wesley Null, associate professor at the School of Education and the Honors College at Baylor University and a former public-school teacher. "The student then is going into that class angry at the teacher every day, or thinking the teacher’s the problem, and the parent is communicating with nobody but the student. That’s the opposite of the common-sense thing to do in this situation."

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