As you know so well, we at the North Pole Workshop Facility take pride in the magical craftsmanship of our work. Thanks to the time-honored example set by Godfather Drosselmeyer, our toy-making division and reindeer care programs are deservedly legendary.
To continue that tradition of excellence, we are pleased to present you with an innovation worthy of your right jolly old elf self: We’re replacing your sleigh with a 2015 Rolls-Royce Ghost Series II.
Now, before you burst like a bowlful of jelly, please consider the potential advantages of navigating the Land of Sweets in a Rolls.
With 500-plus years on the clock, the old sleigh is more than a bit tatty. Even the Mouse King, when he looked at it recently, shrugged and said, “Meh.” The Ghost II, however, is newly timeless. Rolls-Royce just did the teensiest refreshing of the stunning 2009 debut version, most visibly in resculpting the LED headlights and encircling them with daytime running lights. Rudolph can finally dim the nose-wattage.
There’s no dimming the performance technology — the 6.6-liter, twin-turbocharged V-12 produces 563 reindeerpower and 575 pound-feet of torque for a 0-60 time of 4.6 seconds — astonishing for a 5,600-pound vehicle (that’s without you in it).
Yet all this power, and gravity-defying braking, too, comes about effortlessly, placidly and calmly, as if roaring to 150 mph and then throwing out the anchor is all in a day’s work, ho-hum.
We really like the satellite-linked nav system that feeds into the eight-speed automatic transmission, reads the road ahead and recalls your driving patterns — all to shift gears by predicting what you want even before you know you want it. Away you’ll fly like the down of a thistle.
Of course, the ride is sublimely, breathtakingly, mind-bogglingly smooth. The sugar plum fairies dig it — we know because, even as hyper as they are, they all fell sound asleep on a recent road test to the Candy Castle. We wonder what dances in their heads while snoozing.
The good folk at Rolls-Royce’s home in Goodwood, England, love to translate their obsessive attention to detail into thoughtful, efficient uses of space. Consider the front doors, which contain artfully concealed, specially designed, customizable, full-size carbon-fiber-shafted umbrellas. Tiny drains in the doors whisk away moisture after use.
Speaking of doors, the rear-hinged “carriage doors” swing open front to back, so exiting is a breeze, even for someone of your, ahem, generous displacement. And if you’re too weary from filling those many stockings hung by the chimney with care, just press the “Door” button on the pillar and it swings open or shut with a gentle sigh. Just be careful not to squash a snoozing fairy.
The standard Ghost II has room aplenty, enough for even you to pirouette in, but we recommend the extended wheelbase version. Cosseting room, room, room and quiet, quiet, quiet, with hi-res 9.2-inch screens on the backs of the front seats, a Bespoke 18-speaker premium audio system, veneered retractable picnic tables, along with a fridge for eggnog, add up to the perfect spot for you and the reindeer and the fairies and the mice to all watch Elf together.
As to the cost, yes, it’s a big nut to crack, but you’re a successful guy, so $324,000 for the extended version ($291,000 for the standard) isn’t that bad. (We tried the “coal in someone’s stocking” bargaining ploy but came up flat, so it is what it is.) Besides, the way you hang onto things, it should last you another 500 years, so it all evens out.
We know you’re gonna love it, so Merry Christmas!
Your devoted elves
(We can all fit in the glovebox, whee!)