One in every three emails I received this week included two very popular words, Bill Cowher.
Will Owner Jones bring in Bill Cowher?
Hire Bill Cowher.
Can Bill Cowher save this Cowboys team?
Apparently, a bye week victory and Coach Wade’s assurances of everything probably being OK were not enough to ward off preparations for imminent failure and plans going forward without a certain Cupcake Coach. Which, by the way, one in every four emails also mentioned cupcakes.
Of course, Coach Wade saves his job, as well as this Cowboy season and Owner Jones’ bottom line, for at least a couple of weeks if he can beat Washington on Sunday. Not to put any more pressure on him but, if Dallas loses, Owner Jones may take a separate plane back to Texas with a quick layover in wherever Bill Cowher happens to be, just like he did with Big Bill not too long ago.
So let’s crack open another not-quite-weekly mailbag, the Bill-Cowher edition.
“Dear JEngle, Can we officially start the Bill Cowher watch now? Obviously Coach Tinkerbell is gone and Young Garrett has shown he’s not ready. Do you think there’s a chance of The Jaw coming to work for Mr. Plastic Face? Just wondering ...” Don Atyia, Deadwood, SD
Cowher-watch officially started after that ugly Rams loss, when Coach Wade officially became a lame duck and The Redheaded Genius lost a little of his genius status in a few circles. As for whether The Man With The Iron Jaw has any interest in this circus, mark me down as a definitive yes.
Because he, like all coaches, has an ego and what better way to feed his legend than by returning the NFL’s most storied franchise to Super Bowl glory? Of course, he’ll likely necessitate a) Huge gobs of Jerry’s psl money, and; b) A promise of control.
“It finally occurred to me today as I read your article: Jerry Jones is Ahab. Forever searching for ‘the whale’. He is also Don Quixote. Obsessive, futile pursuits, blinded by the obsession itself. A tragedy, because neither Ahab nor Don were essentially bad individuals. You want to like them and support them, but in doing so, you risk falling into the pursuit itself.” -- David Sparks, Lewisville
I always envisioned Owner Jones as more of a Captain Aardvark from Catch-22, you know “noted for being oblivious to incoming flak” and “getting lost on missions” as character summaries always describe him. Owner Jones has good intentions and actually has been a great owner and determined GM. He just needs another voice, an equal voice, a voice of reason in his ear to help guide him like I don’t know … say … a Bill Cowher.
“Hi Jennifer. Question: I wonder how long Coach Comatose stood on the sidelines of Texas Stadium (Sunday) before he realized there was no game!?!” -- Jay Burch, Mount Pleasant, TX
Good question so I posed this to a couple of Wade watchers and everybody is pretty sure he realized his mistake midway through the first quarter. Probably when he had nothing to fist pump. Luckily, as per usual, all mistakes are on him.
“You have a real talent for putting things in proper perspective--as always. I have a question. Do you think a Cow player who wants something goes to Wade or Jerry? Is Wade respected by the players as someone in charge or recognized as a Jerry puppet?” -- Robert Brown, Arlington
Just in case this is a serious rather than just rhetorical question, let me say Jerry, Jerry, Jerry and puppet, puppet, puppet. His puppet status began when Jerry hired The Redheaded Genius to be his OC before hiring Coach Wade and was confirmed during this offseason when he paid head-coaching dollars to TRG to keep him in Dallas. So pecking order goes: Jerry, TRG, Romo, T.O., then possibly Wade in terms of respect.
“Nice job on the Patterson story. K-State fans know how good CGP is, and most wanted him after Coach Snyder retired in ‘95. Now we get a chance to do what Gary wanted, and bring him home. Coach Patterson is tired of being the redheaded stepchild of Texas, and has taken that program (TCU) as far as it will go. The deal is done, and CGP will be wearing purple next season. KSU purple. Good luck on your coaching search.” -- James Dare
No cupcakes for you, James. And while I certainly will not rule out CGP to KSU, I have a feeling your purple people really hacked him off by that leaked story on PowerKitty, or whatever it is, .com. Nor do I believe he believes he has taken TCU as far as it will go.
“Ms. Wordsmith, liked the use of the word “vomitous”. I would have also accepted “prone to spew”. I can’t say I ever heard the word use before, let alone a newspaper. Well done. And Tony (Romo) may have an opportunity to create his legend as a Cowboy quarterback if he can spark this team for the final seven games. Luckily(?) it appears he has a marshmallow coach and some lightweight players to ease the burden on his back.” -- Doug Olson
Of course, if this Cowboys line plays like it has, Romo may be vomitous, lightheaded and dizzy before Sunday ends.
“Enjoy your articles as always. Here’s my take: Last year, the Cowboys coasted into the playoffs with very little to play for post-Green Bay game, grew complacent in December, and were unable to revert to their midseason form come playoff time. This year, if they get on a run, they will roll into the playoffs playing at a high level which should translate into greater intensity and focus come playoff time. In that sense, it is better to struggle early and rally closer to playoff time (somewhat, but not really, analogous to losing early in college football – watch the Sooners leapfrog UT in 2 weeks). I believe this formula worked out nicely for the Giants last year. As John McCain famously said in the last week of the campaign, ‘We’re right where we want to be’^”. -- Kaiser Malik, Houston
What is this? In inbox optimism? In such trying football times? Bravo for you, sir. Of course, living in Houston has probably prepared you for putting a brave face on impending sporting disaster. I, too, believe disaster not only can be averted but turned into a huge Cowboy plus -- if they beat the Redskins. This victory has a chance to propel them to a big finish.
“I’m not a Mavericks fan cause I don’t live in Texas. You might not like this but [Dirk] seems like he’s king of the soft players in the NBA.” -- Robert Lunsford, The Plains, Virginia
I do not like is this feeling I have that you may be right. Watching Dirk lately, especially late in games, during crunch time, has been frustrating. I feel like he needs a pep talk. Or Bill Cowher. Or at very least a few cupcakes.
“Ridiculous!! When will Tom Hicks and his billions of dollars go to toy-boy Gary Bettman and say, ‘look. girlie boy...we've got to figure a way to get the Stars into the Northwest Division and the Vancouver Canucks into the Pacific Division.’
Under the current division alignment, the Stars must travel through:
San Jose - 2 time zones
Anaheim - 2 time zones
LA - 2 time zones
Phoenix - 1 time zone
The Vancouver Canucks under the current division alignment must travel through:
Edmonton - 1 time zone
Calgary - 1 time zone
Colorado - 1 time zone
Minnesota - 2 time zones
You can easily see what would happen if the Stars and Canucks would switch. Furthermore, it would breakup the ridiculous Northwest from having (3) Canadian teams within one division.” -- Jack Turri, Bedford.
Remember when $3 Canadian used to be like $2 US, you know back when our economy was not in the tank? Or when owners told league commissioners where and how to stick it when decisions of said commish were obviously screwing their team?
Which is what being in the Pacific is doing to the Stars, and Stars players, and Stars fans who have a choice of baggy eyes or missing key division games.
So fix this, Mr. Hicks. Or at least tell GB to fix this.
“Sorry. I was supposed to write something, but I don’t remember anything after ‘...short skirt and pom poms.’^” -- Rafael Gomez
If you want to remember, just think of Mr. Randy in that short skirt shaking his pom poms.
Repeat, as necessary.