star-telegram.com: David Thomas

Fans' Insider: It's tough not to be cynical with Clemens

Wed, 07 May 2008 08:54 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

I think I just might be becoming cynical.

I reached that conclusion when I heard Roger Clemens apologize for mistakes he has made.

Now, I don't mean to pick on Clemens here. (I say that in the same manner as someone who prefaces a disrespectful comment by saying, "No disrespect intended, but..." as if it makes the statement remotely respectful.)

It's just that Clemens is the name in the headlines at the moment, and it's his case that has made me see signs pointing to the possibility that I just might be becoming cynical. And I don't want that.

Clemens went Jason Giambi in a Bill Clinton sort of way and apologized for unspecified "mistakes in my personal life" through a carefully worded statement. Until a follow-up statement is released or 60 Minutes comes calling again, we won't know what Clemens meant by "mistakes."

Did he, as reported by the New York Daily News, cheat on his wife? Or did he unknowingly drive around Houston for a couple of hours with his right brake light out? Who knows? Maybe even both. Clemens left all possible mistakes in play.

Except for the use of steroids or HGH. Faced with reports of cheating in his marital relationship, Clemens did get specific enough for a moment to say that he didn't cheat in baseball.

Baseball has a Hall of Fame. Husbandry doesn't.

I said earlier that Clemens' statement was carefully worded. That's where I picked up on my emerging cynicism.

Let's consider these two sentences from the statement, in which Clemens addressed the Daily News'report that he had a lengthy affair with country music singer Mindy McCready: "Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth."

About a thousand athlete apologies/denials that turned out to be disingenuous ago, I would have read that and thought, "OK." But sports fans have been burned by such apologies/denials more than... you'll have to insert your own Roy Williams joke here because I'm not that cynical yet.

I immediately zeroed in on two parts of Clemens' statement: "improper" and "15." Perhaps he didn't consider the relationship improper, I thought. Perhaps she wasn't 15. Maybe she was 16.

So if he didn't consider the relationship improper or if she wasn't 15, then he's correct in saying the accusation wasn't true. I wouldn't go so far as to say, "Nothing could be further from the truth," because I guess technically if she had been, say, 18 years old, that would have been a little further from the truth than 15.

However, if there was a relationship that most decent people would consider improper and if she was 15 at the time... yikes. Clemens' reputation would take another hit if it turned out the Cy Young Award wasn't the only Young thing he was chasing.

Clemens' reputation, really, is what this is all about. That's why he filed that defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee, and that's why all this mess makes headlines.

To summarize, now that Clemens has apologized for his mistakes, we still basically know nothing. Except that his reputation is nowhere near what it used to be.

The problem is, Clemens is suing the wrong person for ruining his reputation. But he can't sue himself.

I know, I know. I'm being cynical.

David Thomas' sports humor column appears Wednesdays and Sundays.

Fans' Insider: Plenty of dates are now available at the AAC

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:01 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

Putting on our Sunday best ...

Note to the Dallas Stars: The arena is yours. And the Dallas Desperados'. And The Cure's. And the Professional Bull Riders' tour ...

Avery Johnson didn't coach the Dallas Mavericks' last practice, and now he won't coach the next one.

Among the many post-Avery departure quotes was this one from Dirk Nowitzki concerning what the next coach needs to do: "Open up the offense, have a lot more running, but still a guy who knows how to coach defense." Of course the potential problem is that next coach will probably want players who can open up the offense, run more and know how to play defense.

I've had some time to think about it, and I've decided that I don't like the Jason Kidd and Shaquille O'Neal trades.

And you can probably say the same for Avery and, perhaps soon, Mike D'Antoni.

Would anyone like to lead us in a belated rendition of Happy Birthday for Josh Howard?

Ollie the Optimist is certain that Howard has learned his lesson after upsetting Avery with his mid-playoff birthday bash at a Dallas nightclub. In fact, Ollie says you can bet that Howard will invite the new coach to next year's party.

I would like to interrupt the Mavs talk to announce that I will no longer write Texas Rangers pitching jokes.

I also would like to announce that all columns this summer will end at approximately this point.

The NBA didn't suspend Jason Kidd from Game 5 for his flagrant foul in the previous game because it figured it would be more punishing for Kidd to be in New Orleans when his former coach, Byron Scott, received his Coach of the Year trophy.

In 20/20 hindsight, would you have rather the Mavs played the Lakers in the first round?

Congratulations to everyone -- and I think there were millions -- who said there would be no upsets this year in the first round of the NBA's Western Conference playoffs. I'm not sure this is what you meant, but the higher seed won each series and only one series went more than five games.

Pat Riley has resigned as coach of the Miami Heat and isn't expected to return to coaching until the Heat has a chance at winning another title.

Jose Canseco has lost his California home to foreclosure. Now Jose really knows what it's like to be a writer.

Interesting quote from Jason Botts after being designated for assignment by the Rangers: "There have been plenty of examples of people leaving Texas Rangers who go on to really great things." What he failed to mention is that most of those people were traded. But at least we know he was paying attention in class.

So, are you getting tired yet of following the Pacman Jones legal proceedings? It was so much easier not to care when he was still in Tennessee.

Not-so-convincing argument used by the accused shooter in Pacman's Las Vegas fiasco while claiming he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger: "I've been shot before. I know how it feels."

BCS officials decided not to pursue the possibility of having the top two bowl winners meet for the national championship. Among the conferences opposed to creating an extra game was the 11-member Big Ten.

Actual song recorded by Mindy McCready: Lovin' Your Man. No word on whom she might have dedicated that song to.

Wrapping up the weekend that was at the Nelson

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:02 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

Another classic EDS Byron Nelson Classic is in the books. Here are 10 things to remember from this year’s tournament:

1. Adam Scott, the only player in the field ranked in the world’s top 10, wins his sixth PGA Tour tournament.

2. Another playoff. It’s a Nelson tradition. That makes 16 of the last 40 Nelsons to go extra holes. Entering this year, the Nelson and Bob Hope Chrysler Classic had the Tour’s highest percentage of playoffs since 1968, at 38 percent. The Nelson now has the lead.

3. The course’s redesign worked. Now we’ll have to see if that results in more of the world’s top-10 players showing up next year. That certainly would bring a little variety to the daily Fans’ Insider Top 10 Spotlight.

4. The Caddy for the caddie. Tony Navarro, caddie for the champion, received a free Cadillac -- with all taxes covered and a full tank of gas -- for the win.

5. Weather. Even though a little chilly on Sunday, temperatures were comfortable throughout the week with steady winds. And all of the rain happened overnight. It made for a good week weather-wise -- except for the golfers and the ice-cream vendors. Remember this weather next year when the tournament moves back to May.

6. None of those ridiculous way-under-par scores at this tournament. Ryan Moore and Adam Scott were tied at a Masters-like 7-under after regulation. In fact, that score was one shot closer to par than Trevor Immelman’s winning score at The Masters.

7. Winner’s score: 7-under. Rangers’ record: 8 under.

8. Mathew Goggin saying after the first round that hitting into the bunkers on the redesigned course was the same as “a one-shot penalty.”

9. Immelman made his first tournament appearance since winning The Masters. Unfortunately, Mr. Green Jacket wasn’t around long because he missed the cut.

10. During this year’s Nelson, the Dallas Cowboys drafted running back Felix Jones and cornerback Mike Jenkins in the first round.

Top 10 spotlight

A daily look at the Nelson competitors who are ranked in the top 10 in the world:

Adam Scott (No. 10)

Scott’s round: Scott, who led after the first three rounds, shot 1-over 71 in failing to break par for the first time this week. But he made birdie on the final hole to tie Ryan Moore at 7-under and force a playoff. He won on the third playoff hole with a 48-foot birdie putt.

Did you know?: Scott, 27, has played for the International Team in the past three Presidents Cups. He has a 7-6-2 career record.

Previous Top-10 spotlights: Adam Scott (first, second and third rounds).

Oh, the life

There is an advantage out here to being a professional golfer. Near the fifth green and sixth tee, there is an actual permanent restroom -- a real-life building, not a port-a-potty. At the front of the restroom is a sign that warns the restroom is for pro golfers only. Funny thing is, there’s a men’s and a women’s restroom.

Still house hunting

Scott matches Rangers

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:02 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

What do Nelson leader Adam Scott and the Texas Rangers have in common? As of Saturday evening, both were 8-under.

Scott stretched his lead to three shots with a birdie on No. 18 that moved him to 8-under par. The Rangers, preparing for a game against the Minnesota Twins, also were 8 under with an 8-16 record.

Pavilion talk

The Pavilion is a versatile place. The traditional Nelson spot to gather and enjoy, ahem, certain beverages also will host the Sunrise Service Sunday morning. The worship begin at 7:30 a.m., which actually is about 45 minutes after sunrise.

The Pavilion, by the way, is billed as “The Hottest Ticket in Town.”

More Pavilion talk

Saturday’s post-golf concert at The Pavilion featured Spector’s Gun Collection. Honest to goodness, the first time I saw the sign, I thought it said “Spectator’s Gun Collection.”

Top 10 spotlight

A daily look at the Nelson competitors who are ranked in the top 10 in the world:

Adam Scott (No. 10)

Scott’s round: Scott dropped out of the lead when Kevin Sutherland took a one-shot lead at 7-under, but Scott made birdie on No. 10 and birdied two of the final three holes to move to 8-under. He leads four players including Sutherland, by three strokes.

Did you know?: Scott, a native of Australia, played one year of golf at UNLV.

Previous Top-10 spotlights: Adam Scott (first and second rounds).

Tomorrow’s Top-10 spotlight: Adam Scott.

NASCAR Hole of the Day

A look at the hole that produced the biggest wreck There’s a tie between Nos. 3 and 11. Justin Leonard, on the first page of the leaderboard to start the day, made triple-bogey 7 on both. On No. 3, he drove into a fairway bunker left, then found trouble along the lake to the right and had to drop. He missed a 6-foot putt for double-bogey. On No. 11, he drove into the water left and wound up with another three-putt, including a 10-footer he missed for double bogey.

Water log
A look at the holes where the most balls got wet:

Hole18311171449

Par Sat./Total

4 4/44

4 3/33

4 11/24

3 0/23

4 3/20

4 3/8

4 0/8

By the numbers

24: Years since 202 or higher has been the leading score after 54 holes.

Where will we stand when smoke clears?

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:02 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

Putting on our Sunday best ...

The Stars, the Mavs and the Rangers all won Friday night, yet the only thing Metroplex sports fans wanted to talk about Saturday was the Cowboys in the NFL Draft.

Well, we knew before the weekend that Jerry Jones was high on a couple of Hogs, and now we know what Josh Howard has been high on.

This was eerie. Word came down Wednesday that the Cowboys had reached agreement on a trade to bring in Pacman Jones and that night in North Texas someone "made it rain."

Now that I think about it, there was a lot of lightning and thunder with that storm, too. Think that was a sign?

Ollie the Optimist said that his goal in life is to be as optimistic as Ron Washington.

Washington keeps saying, "It's only April." I do, too, but with a little different meaning.

I guess the silver lining in the Rangers breaking the club record for losses on April on Thursday -- April the 24th -- it's that they broke it with so much time left in the month that they could put that record out of reach of ever being broken again.

Did you see the Rangers' on-field celebration after they broke that seven-game losing streak Friday night in extra innings. Thought I was watching the Little League World Series.

The Mavs did have extra motivation for Game 3 Friday night. A lot was riding on that game. That win assured them of at least one more night in New Orleans.

Jerry Stackhouse said New Orleans Hornets coach Byron Scott "is a sucker in my book." If you think about it, Scott is not a bad target for trash talk. What's the worst thing he can do to the Mavs? Unleash Chris Paul on them, and he has already done that.

Paul, of course, is just the latest unstoppable point guard the Mavs have faced in the playoffs. But what I'm wondering is, if Dwyane Wade and Baron Davis were so unstoppable, why aren't either one of them in the playoffs this year?

I'm convinced CP3 could even set me up for a dunk.

Congratulations to the EDS Byron Nelson Championship for putting the "green" back in "green in regulation."

If ever there was an LPGA tournament with Saginaw resident Angela Stanford's name written all over the trophy, it's this weekend's Stanford International.

Friday night, I learned why I haven't been able to find Versus on my television: I don't have it.

I'll admit, when I was watching Julius Jones run for the Cowboys last season, I wasn't sitting there thinking, "There's a guy who could replace Shaun Alexander."

How about that gargantuan watch LSU's Glenn Dorsey was wearing at the NFL Draft? When they said the Kansas City Chiefs were on the clock before taking Dorsey at No. 5 overall, they literally could have been on Dorsey's clock.

An NFL Draft bio called Dorsey "the most decorated player" in LSU history. No doubt about that.

If I never see another in-game interview with a coach or manager on TV -- especially during the playoffs -- I'll die a happy man.

The longest walk

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:02 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

I walked the Appalachian Trail on Friday. Actually, it was just the Nelson course, but it sure seemed like the Appalachian Trail.

I toured the course because, apparently, I’m supposed to be doing that. I read the teaser to my little online contribution from Thursday’s first round and it said, “David Thomas takes you on a tour of the Nelson, from the first tee to the 19th hole.”

So, for the second edition, I thought it’d be a good idea if I actually took the tour.

Bad idea.

If you’re not familiar with the course layout here, the first hole leads away from the clubhouse, then the holes run away from home like a mad teen-ager.

On the far north side of the property, the holes cluster a bit, so you can skip around holes. But it’s a walk and then some to get there.

When I pulled out the course map, one spot intrigued me — the farthest point away, where the 13th green and 14th tee are. So I set out for there.

Hopefully by Sunday’s fourth round, I will have reached that spot and be able to report back.

Just kidding. I actually made it. The only problem is that I did a good job of planning what it would take energy-wise to get there but not so good a job of planning what it would take energy-wise to get back.

So when I reached the back corner, I kind of had that Forrest Gump feeling of, “There’s nowhere else to go. Now what?”

To give you a sense of just how far north that part of the course is from the first tee, it was snowing when I arrived.

I can tell you a lie like that because I don’t like your chances of finding an actual witness to contradict me.

I had heard that that outpost isn’t exactly jammed with spectators. In fact, after I passed the sign that read, “Welcome to Oklahoma!” the 14th tee box was empty.

Except for the two tournament volunteers there for “crowd” control.

Oh, and there was the ice-cream cart vendor about 50 yards from the tee who appeared to be talking to himself. I can’t report that for sure, because I try not to get too close to people who appear to be talking to themselves. Can’t say that I’d blame Mr. Vendor, though, considering there was no one else to talk to.

At least if he did start talking to himself too loudly, there were two officials there to control him.

Fortunately, other people soon arrived. The group of Chez Reavie, Kyle Thompson and Chad Collins — yes, that group!!! — walked over from the 13th green. They brought three caddies and two scorers with them. That made 12 of us.

Following them was a gallery I estimated at exactly nine fans.

This is how “remote” our location was:

■ There were no corporate tents.

For Cowboys, Pacman craze is alive and well

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:02 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

Putting on our Sunday best ...

Tense moments the other day when Roger Goodell and Jerry Jones sat together at the SMU Athletic Forum and Jones kept dropping hints for Goodell to reinstate Pacman Jones. Goodell became visibly irritated when Jones passed him the salt while saying, "Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka."

After the NFL schedule for next season was released, the North Texas Pastors Association issued a statement that said, "We are delighted to see that the Cowboys will be playing only four noon games in 2008."

Ollie the Optimist is so confident that the Stars will finish off the Ducks that he has yet to buy a razor to shave off his playoff beard.

Phew. Sure was glad to see the Rangers win two games in Toronto. After that five-game losing streak at home, I thought we were going to have to start saying, "We could use some GOOD baseball."

Ron Washington has to be wishing the New York Yankees would have waited until after his Rangers left Boston before they rescued that David Ortiz "curse" jersey from the new Yankee stadium.

If you want to think of something really scary, just try to imagine what the Rangers' record would be right now if three of their starting pitchers weren't among the American League's top 16 in ERA.

If you want to think of something really, really scary, just try to imagine what the Rangers' record would be right if now their starting pitchers were pitching like we expected them to before the season.

I'm moving to Lincoln, Neb. Evidently, the economy's much better there, because a ticket broker was getting $95 a ticket for Nebraska's sold-out spring football game. That's for an intrasquad scrimmage. You don't even get to see a team you can boo.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has opened a bar in Charlotte, N.C. In line with Junior's musical tastes, the bar is a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. Whoa. I feel like I just stepped back into a Donnie and Marie song.

The International Olympic Committee announced this week that it would not take away medals from any athletes testing positive for air pollution during the Beijing Olympics.

Sorry that I'm a couple of weeks late weighing in on this debate, but no, I don't think Tiger Woods will win the Grand Slam this season.

And I might be a couple of weeks early on this debate, but no, I don't think Trevor Immelman will win the Grand Slam this season.

After it was announced that Tiger would miss the Wachovia Championship and perhaps The Players Championship because of knee surgery, players all across the PGA Tour immediately began researching the winner's take on those two tournaments.

Oh, wait. Now I get it. Nebraska fans must be so eager to watch that spring game because it's a guaranteed Huskers win.

Isiah Thomas was fired as New York Knicks coach but will remain in an unnamed position with the organization because he created that mess and should have to stick around to watch until it's cleaned up.

Before the Yankees' game against the Red Sox on Wednesday, the ceremonial first pitch was thrown out by an astronaut at the International Space Station. Apparently, they had a baseball sitting around the Space Station from Chan Ho Park's day with the Rangers.

David Thomas' sports humor column appears Sundays and Wednesdays.

The Rangers, the Mavericks, the Stars ... oh, my!

Sun, 04 May 2008 09:02 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

Putting on our Sunday best...

Wow! What a night Thursday was. The Mavs were clinching a playoff spot, the Rangers were sweeping a doubleheader from the O's and the Stars were beating up on the Ducks. I had to go watch on the wall of TVs at the electronics store just to keep up.

Did you see that gargantuan home run Josh Hamilton hit into that walkway in the Home Run Porch on Friday night? I'm not saying that ball traveled a long ways, but American Airlines immediately grounded the ball for further inspection.

Rangers announcer Chuck Morgan called his 2,000th consecutive game Thursday night. He has spent all but one of his 26 years announcing Rangers home games. Can you imagine how many relief pitchers he has introduced during his streak?

The day after the Memphis Tigers returned home from the Final Four, the players got together for an informal game. The first five to make free throws would be on the same team. We're still waiting to see who makes that team.

If you want to do your part to help make the future sports world better, make your kids shoot 25 free throws every day before they start their homework.

I'm not saying Memphis' free-throw shooting caused its downfall, but Shaquille O'Neal called to offer some tips during the off-season.

Ollie the Optimist thought I needed some encouragement after my bracket fell apart during the Final Four, so he e-mailed to point out that it took the second-best team in the nation to eliminate my UTA Mavericks.

Bryant Gumbel will no longer handle play-by-play duties for the NFL Network. In a statement, Gumbel said, "The past three seasons have been fun. Make that two seasons. I've thoroughly enjoyed working in the broadcast booth with Cris Carter. Make that Cris Collinsworth."

Major League Baseball owners and the players association have reached agreement to strengthen baseball's drug rules. Because the agreement calls for keeping private names of all players named in the Mitchell Report, that means there will not be another Mitchell Report. And that means it's entirely up to Jose Canseco to keep us informed.

Rob Manfred, MLB's executive vice president for labor relations, reacted to the agreement by saying, "Going into this negotiation, the commissioner was 100 percent correct that we had the best program in professional sports. These changes just solidify that kind of premier leadership position, in my view." Manfred then was immediately tested to see what he was on.

With Isiah Thomas and the New York Knicks in town, the Detroit Pistons held a pregame ceremony honoring the Pistons' all-time team. Detroit fans gave Thomas one of the loudest ovations, for all the victories he's contributed to their team both as a Pistons player and since joining the Knicks.

I promise that as the Beijing Olympics get closer, they'll actually start talking about some of the sports.

Thanks to Speedo's LZR Race suit, just about every swimming record known to mankind has been broken at the world short-course championships. These swim suits are so fast that one empty suit fell into the water and still broke a world record.

In case you haven't seen the new swim suits, they're not exactly the kind you see in Sports Illustrated. Fortunately, they also are nothing like the Speedo you wish your Uncle Louis would quit wearing to the city pool.

David Thomas' sports humor column appears Sundays and Wednesdays.

You'll never tire of bargain deals at the track

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 07:56 CDT

By David Thomas

"Gotta have a souvenir," the middle-aged man told his grown-up daughter. "Makes the race experience more enjoyable."

At least I think it was his daughter.

Anyway, the two passed me on the left and headed off down the rows of souvenir trailers lined up in front of Texas Motor Speedway. Gotta enjoy the NASCAR experience, you know.

The trailers contain just about everything a NASCAR fan could hope to buy.

Been looking for a checkered flag-style bikini? You're in the right place here, even if the price -- $20 for the top, $20 for the bottom -- isn't right. But, hey, try to find a checkered-flag bikini at Macy's.

There are souvenirs for all types of people, from the Sin City Motorsports trailer to the Race Angel trailer. If you don't think you're good enough to shop with Race Angel, think again. It will sell you a "Race Devil Dr." road sign for $20.

Some souvenirs will make you shake your head. There was a T-shirt that read "My Drinking Team Has A Racing Problem." (That was one of the printable ones.) What really made me shake my head was learning not only that they make T-shirts that say those things, but that they also sell them for $22.

Fortunately, the more prominent items are the more traditional ones such as T-shirts and caps and jackets. But if you do enough looking around, you can stumble across something a little different. Such as a Ryan Newman dog food dish ($15).

Don't have a dog? Got you covered. The same trailer sells stuffed ones for $25.

You can even buy a NASCAR tire for $20. As a courtesy to the person sitting in front of you during the race, however, I'd suggest that you purchase your tire on the way out of the track.

I know what you're thinking: What would I do with a used tire? Simple. Buy two. Then stack them in your living room, cover them with a piece of round glass and you've made your very own NASCAR coffee table.

With your newest piece of furniture, you'll never have to worry about starting a conversation when guests drop in.

The tires are far from the only useful items available. Consider the foam "Gear Head." Think Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads for NASCAR fans, except gear-shaped and multi-functional.

First, the Gear Head can serve as a seat cushion. Second, you can pop out the center and wear a Gear Head on your head. But I'm not sure why you would want to turn a seat cushion into headwear.

But wait -- there's more! The popped-out center pieces can be used as a koozie and ear plugs. All this for only $15? Go ahead and buy a pair, because you'll get tired of having to share yours with the jealous person next to you. Plus, the second one is only $10 more.

If I had had $10 I didn't really want, I would have bought the red Samsung 500 water bottle in the shape of a gas can.

And if I had had $60 I didn't really want, I would have bought the Chevrolet Racing tire clock, complete with rims. Upon closer inspection, I was disappointed to discover that you don't have to remove the lugnuts to change the batteries.

If that had been the case, I might have bought it.

Sixty bucks would have been a small price to pay to fully enjoy the race experience at home, too.

David Thomas' sports humor column appears Sundays and Wednesdays.

NASCAR has souvenirs for just about every taste

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 07:56 CDT

By DAVID THOMAS

“Gotta have a souvenir,” the middle-aged man told his grown-up daughter. “Makes the race experience more enjoyable.”

At least I think it was his daughter.

Anyway, the two passed me on the left and headed off down the rows of souvenir trailers lined up in front of Texas Motor Speedway. Gotta enjoy the NASCAR experience, you know.

The trailers contain just about everything a NASCAR fan could hope to buy.

Been looking for a checkered flag-style bikini? You’re in the right place here, even if the price — $20 for the top, $20 for the bottom — isn’t right. But, hey, try to find a checkered-flag bikini at Macy’s.

There are souvenirs for all types of people, from the Sin City Motorsports trailer to the Race Angel trailer. If you don’t think you’re good enough to shop with Race Angel, think again. Race Angel will sell you a “Race Devil Dr.” road sign for $20.

Some souvenirs will make you shake your head. There was a T-shirt that read “My Drinking Team Has A Racing Problem.” (That was one of the printable ones.) What really made me shake my head was learning not only that they make T-shirts that say those things, but that they also sell them for $22.

Don’t have a dog? Got you covered there, too. The same trailer sells stuffed ones for $25. The great thing about the stuffed dog is that you won’t have to worry about getting him (or her — I didn’t turn it upside down to check) any shots.

You can even buy a NASCAR tire for $20. As a courtesy to the person sitting in front of you during the race, however, I’d suggest that you purchase your tire on the way out of the track.

I know what you’re thinking: What would I do with a used tire? Simple. Buy two. Then stack them in your living room, cover them with a piece of round glass and you’ve made your very own NASCAR coffee table.

With your newest piece of furniture, you’ll never have to worry about starting a conversation when guests drop in.

The tires are far from the only useful items available. Consider the foam “Gear Head.” Think Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads for NASCAR fans, except gear-shaped and multi-functional.

First, the Gear Head can serve as a seat cushion. Second, you can pop out the center and wear a Gear Head on your head. I’m not sure why you would want to turn a seat cushion into headwear, but you can.

But wait — there’s more! The popped-out center pieces can be used as a koozie and ear plugs! All this for only $15? Go ahead and buy a pair, because you’ll get tired of having to share yours with the jealous person next to you. Plus, the second one’s only $10 more.

No, I didn’t buy one. In fact, I didn’t buy anything. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t tempted.

If I had had $10 I didn’t really want, I would have bought the red Samsung 500 water bottle in the shape of a gas can.

And if I had had $60 I didn’t really want, I would have bought the Chevrolet Racing tire clock, complete with rims. Upon closer inspection, I was disappointed to discover that you don’t have to remove the lugnuts to change the batteries.

If that had been the case, I might have bought it.

Sixty bucks would have been a small price to pay to fully enjoy the race experience at home, too.

star-telegram.com: David Thomas

Fans' Insider: It's tough not to be cynical with Clemens

Fans' Insider: Plenty of dates are now available at the AAC

Wrapping up the weekend that was at the Nelson

Top 10 spotlight

Oh, the life

Still house hunting

Scott matches Rangers

Pavilion talk

More Pavilion talk

Top 10 spotlight

NASCAR Hole of the Day

Water logA look at the holes where the most balls got wet: Hole18311171449 ParSat./Total 44/44 43/33 411/24 30/23 43/20 43/8 40/8

By the numbers

Where will we stand when smoke clears?

The longest walk

For Cowboys, Pacman craze is alive and well

The Rangers, the Mavericks, the Stars ... oh, my!

You'll never tire of bargain deals at the track

NASCAR has souvenirs for just about every taste

Water log
A look at the holes where the most balls got wet:

Hole18311171449

Par Sat./Total

4 4/44

4 3/33

4 11/24

3 0/23

4 3/20

4 3/8

4 0/8