Pacman Jones isn't worth all this fuss

In an attempt to give booze a bad name, Pacman Jones was ordered to spend his latest NFL suspension in a Boston alcohol treatment center, leading many to believe the PacRat had an issue with being over-served.

But after a month in rehab, the word leaked out that all tests were negative.

Once again, Dr. Galloway’s original prognosis on this particular patient was correct:

PacRat doesn’t have a drinking problem. He’s got a stupid problem. You can’t rehab stupid, OK?

But as of Wednesday, we know Pacman, having just graduated from Rehab U., has now been returned to the motherly arms of his football father, our own Jerry Jones. Speaking of stupid.

At first glance, this appears to be a typical case of Jerry being Jerry. But while working on a hunch, new evidence was uncovered Wednesday suggesting this return of Pacman involves sinister motives.

Is it just me, or has a grassy knoll conspiracy been hatched behind closed doors in a Manhattan skyscraper?

The commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, is attempting to destroy whatever slim chance that last weekend the Cowboys gave themselves for future football redemption.

Going against all logical thinking, Goodell reinstated Pacman to the league, a move Jerry announced Wednesday from the Boss Hawg Bowl in Arlington. Goodell, however, was strangely silent from New York.

Jerry attempted to hide his glee, or maybe he was actually as shocked as everyone else, that Goodell punted this problem back to him.

Jerry mouth-breathed heavily, and mixed in constant uh-uh-uh-uhs, when he revealed what Goodell wanted — Pacman can start practicing at Valley Ranch on Monday, and will be allowed to play again when the Cowboys begin the December death march of a schedule in Pittsburgh.

Jerry already had pushed himself into a corner a week ago by announcing an open-arms policy for Pacman, if and when Goodell allowed his return. Of course, those of us who are veteran Jerry-watchers immediately dismissed this foolishness with a wise guy comment of “Jerry knows.”

He knows Goodell will go thumbs down on this little Scumster, therefore saving Jerry from himself, but also saving Mr. Jones from having to admit he made a mistake in trading for the guy to begin with. Jerry most always gets around to being honest about his mistakes, but it’s usually a one- to two-year window after the fact.

The required disclaimer: Yes, I thought acquiring Pacman was a good idea over the summer, based on the low-and-low theory. Low price to trade for him and low pay for him, meaning the club was in control of the player, not vice-versa.

But then Pacman made a fool out of himself, and a fool out of Jerry, and a fool out of Goodell, and besides, he’s not that good a player to fuss over anyway.

None of this really mattered until Sunday night, when the Cowboys went on the road, played with some gumption and guts, and won a gritty, down-and-dirty game against the Redskins. No, I didn’t think this bunch had that kind of spunk in them.

Neither, obviously, did a Washington columnist who wrote for Monday morning, with much disgust, “to give a Tin Man franchise like the Cowboys its heart back … that borders on inexcusable.”

Get back to me in December about this team being “given back its heart,” but this is by far the most positive time in the last six weeks for the Cowboys. The last thing now needed is a distraction, a circus, or an emphasis on something other than the remaining six games, one by one.

Pacman, of course, is all of the above. He brings back Jerry’s Hard Knocks mentality, meaning a big tent over a bunch of clowns, particularly one hardcore street clown, the PacRat.

Goodell, meanwhile, could have done the Cowboys a huge favor by continuing to allow Pacman to float in no man’s space, but let’s face the truth here. This team’s ongoing postseason misery (11 years and counting) is a source of much amusement around the league, a league that benefits greatly from the Cowboys’ still-awesome drawing power in national TV ratings.

I’d say the league loves it when the Cowboys are a contender in the regular season. But when it comes to the playoffs, or even making the playoffs, every team is on its own.

For no valid reason, because there was no valid reason, Goodell did a mean and evil thing in not saving Jerry from the curse of Pacman while also saving Jerry from himself. But only one owner in the league pushed Goodell last summer to give Pacman a third, or fourth, or how many chances was it?

Our man Jerry begged for the headache of Pacman for the Cowboys, and that ultimately meant more headaches for Goodell. What happened Wednesday was Roger’s twisted revenge. The commish wants to destroy the Cowboys by giving them back Jerry’s bad seed.

And before any e-mail suggestions that I visit the same rehab center PacRat just departed with his drinking no-bill, here’s my next brilliant plan:

Since this is a grassy knoll conspiracy, I’m cashing in by selling the movie rights to Oliver Stone.