Clip and save these guaranteed Dallas Cowboys predictions

Posted Saturday, Apr. 20, 2013  comments  Print Reprints
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galloway The Dallas Cowboys’ new schedule came out a couple of days ago and a newspaper friend wrote this warning:

“Don’t get caught up in going down this list and predicting how many games the team should win.”

What?

Can’t we have some fun around here?

The next thing I guess they’ll tell me is Slim Jims are not nutritional.

Look, we all know it serves absolutely no purpose in the month of April to glance over the new schedule and attempt to predict the outcome of football games for the fall and winter, but that’s exactly why I do it.

It’s stupid. But it’s fun.

I will always choose fun over stupid, even if stupid has a winning record over the years.

And besides, this time of year is traditionally my most optimistic moment for the Cowboys. When the new schedule comes out, I usually envision good things happening.

The reality, of course, is good things haven’t happened in a long, long time for the Cowboys. But this is April. Rejoice. Bring on the sunshine and daffodils.

Yes, it would be easy, and probably correct, to look at the new schedule, predict 8-8, and quickly move on. You’d be real close to right.

The ongoing brain wave from here, however, is to overdo the optimism, and easily locate 10 wins, maybe 11. In April, I’ve even gone for 12 in the past.

But since this rah-rah approach has been a consistent failure, I’m coming out this morning with a new plan.

I have analyzed each of the 16 games against 13 opponents on the Cowboys’ 2013 schedule, plus the open date.

My prediction:

The Cowboys will go 0-16, and break even against Open Date.

Jerry Jones will then fire himself as GM, but not before giving Tony Romo a lifetime contract extension worth $100 million.

Jason Garrett will be promoted to general manager/head coach.

Here’s my breakdown on how the Cowboys manage to lose all 16 games in 2013:

Sept. 8, the Giants are here.

When was the last time Eli lost a game in Arlington? Oh, that’s right. Never. Never wins again.

Sept. 15, at Kansas City.

Now that he’s out of that hellhole in Philly, Andy Reid becomes a genius again.

Sept. 22, the Rams are here.

The last time we saw Sam Bradford around here he was being knocked out of games (BYU and Texas) with injuries. This time, Sam gets his revenge.

Sept 29, at San Diego.

I’ll remember the name of the Chargers’ new head coach in a minute. But he’s a good one.

Oct. 6, the Broncos are here.

Assuming Peyton is still standing, forget it.

Oct. 13, the Redskins are here.

Assuming RG3 is still standing, forget it.

Oct. 20, at Philadelphia.

If a Cowboys win does happen, it will be here. But I’ll be pessimistic, keeping 0-16 on track.

Oct. 27, at Detroit.

I hate that head coach up there. But I like the quarterback, a local lad, despite a disappointing season a year ago.

Nov. 3, the Vikings are here.

Memo to quarterback Christian Ponder, the local lad: Hand It Off All Day.

Nov. 10, at the Saints.

With Rob Ryan as the New Orleans defensive coordinator, this will be a shootout. Tony Romo throws seven TD passes. Drew Brees throws eight.

Nov. 17, Open Date.

Cowboys can’t lose this one. At least I don’t think.

Nov. 24, at the Giants.

It’s the fourth road game in five weeks. Worn out Cowboys give gallant effort, but Eli prevails again.

Nov. 28 (Thanksgiving), the Raiders are here.

Remind me again, who is the new Raiders quarterback? But he will be really good on this holiday afternoon. Oakland gets first win of the season.

Dec. 9, at Chicago.

Cows lose 3-0 in a blizzard.

Dec. 15, the Packers are here.

Forget it.

Dec. 22, at Washington.

Is RG3 still standing? If so, you know the results.

Dec. 29, the Eagles are here.

On half-price panties night at the Big Yard, Victoria’s Secret sells out while the Cowboys bomb out against an awful team.

Did I mention that after this game Jerry fires himself as GM?

That will make 0-16 a good season.

In fact, I’m already looking ahead to 2014.

At the moment, I’ve got the Cowboys going 16-0, with Tony Romo then signing another contract extension, this one for $200 million and going through 2030.

Tony will play here until he’s 50, and then Jerry will sell him the team.

Clip or print all of the above. These April predictions are guaranteed.

Randy Galloway can be heard 3-6 p.m. weekdays on Galloway & Co. on ESPN/103.3 FM. Randy Galloway, 817-390-7697 Twitter: @sportsdfw

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Saturday, April 19Full Scoreboard
Toronto 4/19 1:05 PM ET
Cleveland TV: SNET, STO
St. Louis 4/19 1:05 PM ET
Washington TV: FSN-MW, WUSA 9, MASN
LA Angels 4/19 1:08 PM ET
Detroit TV: FS1
Baltimore 4/19 1:35 PM ET
Boston TV: MASN, WJZ, NESN
Minnesota 4/19 2:10 PM ET
Kansas City TV: FSN-N, FSN-KC
Cincinnati 4/19 2:20 PM ET
Chicago Cubs TV: FSN-OH, CSN-CHI
Houston 4/19 4:05 PM ET
Oakland TV: MLB N, CSN-HOU, CSN-CA
Milwaukee 4/19 7:05 PM ET
Pittsburgh TV: FSN-WI, ROOT-PIT
Seattle 4/19 7:10 PM ET
Miami TV: ROOT-NW, FSN-FL
Atlanta 4/19 7:10 PM ET
NY Mets TV: FSN-S, WPIX
NY Yankees 4/19 7:10 PM ET
Tampa Bay TV: YES, Sun Sports
Chicago WSox 4/19 8:05 PM ET
Texas TV: WGN, FSN-SW
Philadelphia 4/19 8:10 PM ET
Colorado TV: CSN-PHI, ROOT-RM
Arizona 4/19 8:10 PM ET
Los Angeles TV: FS1, SportsNet LA
San Francisco 4/19 8:40 PM ET
San Diego TV: CSN-BA, FSN-SD
Full Scoreboard
Saturday, April 19Full Scoreboard
Brooklyn 4/19 12:30 PM ET
Toronto TV: ESPN, YES, TSN
Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, Game One.
Golden State 4/19 3:30 PM ET
LA Clippers TV: ABC
Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game One.
Atlanta 4/19 7:00 PM ET
Indiana TV: ESPN, SportSouth
Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, Game One.
Memphis 4/19 9:30 PM ET
Oklahoma City TV: ESPN, FSN-OK
Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game One.
Full Scoreboard
Full Scoreboard
No games this week
Full Scoreboard
Saturday, April 19Full Scoreboard
Chicago 4/19 3:00 PM ET
St. Louis TV: NBC, CBC, RDS
Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game Two. St. Louis leads series, 1-0.
Columbus 4/19 7:00 PM ET
Pittsburgh TV: NBCSN, CBC, FSN-OH, ROOT
Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, Game Two. Pittsburgh leads series, 1-0.
Minnesota 4/19 9:30 PM ET
Colorado TV: NBCSN, TSN, Altitude
Western Conference Quarterfinals, Game Two. Colorado leads series, 1-0.
Full Scoreboard