Breaking free from domestic violence

By Nadolyn Redmond Jones

Experience is a good teacher -- but only when we survive to tell the story.

Victims of domestic violence often don't realize they are in a life vs. death situation. Here's a recent story from Fort Worth.

Gloria (not her real name) married a man with great career. They lived in a great house, and he was well-liked and respected at church and in the community.

But at home, things were dreadfully different.

Her husband monopolized and controlled every aspect of her life -- where she went, what she read, what music she listened to, when she slept and ate and what she wore. He opened her mail and monitored her phone calls. She tried to conform, but he'd always find something that dissatisfied him.

She would often wake up at night to find him standing over her spewing threatening words with his hands around her throat. She was so afraid she began to barricade herself in another room at night, which only outraged him more. She tried to create escape plans, but he gave her access to no money, and she was too ashamed to ask anyone for help. She made excuses for why family and friends shouldn't visit and why she couldn't attend family or social functions.

Whenever Gloria didn't follow one of his rules, her husband would threaten to kill her. He made a game of moving his handgun from room to room several times a day. Gloria even attempted to hide the gun one night, which outraged him to the point that she thought he'd surely kill her then and there.

Gloria was ashamed to mention her situation to anyone. She held her head up high in church and at work, and nobody had any idea of the torment she faced daily. Her shame stemmed mostly from her spiritual background, which preached that a woman should stay with her husband forever, no exceptions.

She wanted to believe that her faith would carry her through anything. But even when we live a faith-based life, sometimes it's difficult to understand God's messages. So Gloria kept waiting for a sign from God that change would come. In the meantime, the threats began to escalate daily.

Finally, after months of prayer, she gathered the courage to seek help. Within days she was moved into an apartment and filed for divorce.

She had to walk away from many comforts and still struggles to find peace, but she feels safe. She attends support groups regularly and realizes how blessed she is to have crossed through that storm alive.

She now understands that the danger was very real. It's been a long road, but by God's grace, Gloria finally has hope for a normal future.

Some alarming facts about domestic abuse:

Emotional abuse is most common and can eventually lead to physical abuse.

One in four women will experience domestic violence.

If your spouse says he will kill you, believe him.

Women who want to leave an abusive home must have a safety plan.

An abuser is likely to kill a victim if she tries to leave.

More than 140 women die annually in domestic violence cases in Texas, often with their children as witnesses or victims.

We need to lower these statistics. If we all report suspected abuse and vow to support the victims with our time and resources, precious lives will be saved. Local resources are available in our community to help victims -- and their batterers.

God's grace is for those who've been wrong and were wronged.

Nadolyn Redmond Jones of Fort Worth is a member of the 2012 Star-Telegram Community Columnist Panel.

jones5242010-nadolyn@yahoo.com

Looking for comments?